Not Quite A Fairy Tale But Pretty Darn Close
by nashie-chan
Summary: A magical tale of chivalry, castles, and pixie dust, in which Sora searches for the Yaoi Grail, Kairi has a feminist revolt, Demyx knows pointless pop trivia, and Axel ends up rescuing the wrong princess...er, prince. Happily ever after? Yeah right.
1. The Uber Awesome Quest To Find Things

Not Quite a Fairy Tale (But Pretty Darn Close)

By Samurai-Nashie

Disclaimer: Insert appropriate disclaimer here.

Summary: A magical tale of chivalry, castles, and pixie dust, in which Sora searches for the Yaoi Grail, Kairi leads a feminist revolt, Demyx asks pointless questions, and Axel ends up rescuing the wrong princess…er, prince. Happily ever after? Yeah right.

oOo

Once upon a time in a land far, far away, there lived a princess in a bright, shining castle. And this princess was honest-hearted, beautiful, kind, just, gentle, benevolent, chaste, and soon-to-be sixteen years old and everyone loved her, and remarked on her honesty and her beauty and her kindness and her just ways and her gentleness and her benevolence and her chastity and her upcoming birthday bash . And peace spread across the kingdom because of the charity and benevolence of the princess' heart.

As can be expected, _that _didn't last long.

You see, the Big Rule Book of Fairy Tales, Sixth Edition, in the fifth volume, chapter six, paragraph seven, it states, and the Narrator quotes: "All honest-hearted, beautiful, kind, just, gentle, benevolent, chaste, and sixteen-year-old princesses must be realized of a curse placed upon them from the day they were born to a spell of the vile sort which can only be undone by the Kiss of True Love."

When Princess Kairi found this out, she was _much _displeased.

So she went and asked the court librarian, some guy named Vexen, exactly what she was cursed with. Was it a terrible disease that would make her sound like Sir Gilbert Gottfried, or a death-dealing sort of curse what would send her to sleep for a really, really long time and make her have terrible morning breath? After all, Princess Kairi reasoned, these things were best dealt with quickly.

Vexen, of course, being Vexen, told her that he didn't know the answer, but she should take two aspirin and call him in the morning if the symptoms hadn't changed. This was not the answer the princess was looking for, and she kicked Vexen some important place between the knees and the sternum before running off to find some real answers. Vexen meanwhile curled up on the floor, and muttered doom about the fairer sex.

For the next few days, Princess Kairi looked long and hard for answers about the source of her curse, but found nothing (meanwhile, more and more male members of the royal court were beginning to doubt their ability to father children).

Finally, a week after her quest for answers began, Princess Kairi pretty much thought she was doomed.

Then, she had a brilliant upon brilliant idea.

"I know what I shall do!" Princess Kairi pronounced to her pink-and-frilly bedroom, and the chirping birds that rested on her windowsill and the squirrels that perched on their trees and the mice that were scrubbing the windows all came to a standstill and turned to look at their beloved Princess. She smiled widely and threw her arms open. "I shall call for the assistance of a handsome, swashbuckling Prince who I will fall in love with before I turn sixteen, therefore nullifying the curse!"

And her wildlife friends cheered and clapped.

"Oh, what a smashing idea, Princess!"

"You are so very smart, Princess!"

"As smart as she is lovely!"

Meanwhile, the Writer of the Big Rule Book of Fairy Tales, Sixth Edition, muttered furiously about the existence of loopholes.

oOo

Across the green fields and sapphire oceans and the great farmlands and the jagged mountains and endless forests lay yet another country that was also far, far away (and therefore in the middle of nowhere). And in this country there was a prince. And his name was Sora, and he had a heart of gold, and a smile that made the sun rise, and a cheerful demeanor that put a sparkle in the stars…and, well, he was basically an all-around nice guy. The girls in the kingdom swooned over him, the royal court beamed whenever they spoke of his modesty and his valiant quests, and the commoners often burst into song when they heard his name.

So, when the news came from across the green fields and the sapphire oceans and the great farmlands and the jagged mountains and the endless forests that Her Royal Highness, Princess Kairi, was looking for a prince to save her from an evil curse, many automatically assumed that their beloved prince would jump onto his white horse (appropriately named Of Course) and bound across the land to save her.

There was just one problem: Sora already had a quest.

And it wasn't just any quest - no, Sora was searching for legendary Yaoi Grail. It was spoken about in whispers and hushed tones, because it's power was _that _magnificent and feared. Once, Sora had asked the old village guru, some fellow named Merlin, exactly what the Yaoi Grail did, and the bearded old guy whapped Sora on the rear, and proclaimed, "Don't you _know_? The Yaoi Grail is the source of power in the mystical realm of Fanfiction."

"What is this…Fan Fiction?" Sora had asked.

"Nothing short of an all-consuming power!" Merlin had explained, waving his stick around for emphasis. "If one possesses the Yaoi Grail, the realm of Fanfiction shall be at your hand, and you could possibly alter the known universe with its magical properties and the guardians of the Grail…" he lowered his voice, "…the fangirls."

"I shall seek this Yaoi Grail then!"

Of course, Sora, being Sora, didn't exactly stick around to hear Merlin's disclaimers, which involved something about semes, ukes, and the destruction of the Canon Universe. Not that Sora would have understood what any of this had meant, but it probably would have explained a lot of things that happened later in his quest.

Anyway, since Prince Sora was so enraptured by his quest to find this elusive Yaoi Grail, he turned to his best friend since childhood, the handsome and very angst-ridden Sir Riku, and said, "Maybe you should go help that Kairi girl." Because even though Sora was preoccupied with other matters, he wasn't _heartless_.

Sir Riku considered this offer. "Think I'll pass. I still have plenty of time to woo princesses. Besides, I'd rather go with you on your quest."

Prince Sora was very much displeased at this answer (whether or not he was displeased by Riku's refusal to save an innocent princess, or by his declaration that he would woo a princess and not…er…someone else is entirely up to the reader's discretion).

So Sora was in a very foul mood for a good four minutes until he decided that if Riku wouldn't save Kairi, then he knew of someone else who could. And with that, Prince Sora and Sir Riku decided to take a brief little trip to the neighboring Country That Never Was, and guilt-trip their old friend Sir Axel into saving a damsel, destroying dragons, being labeled a hero, and all that wonderful stuff.

Sir Axel was unimpressed by the offer.

"Why would I want to save some cursed princess?" the redheaded lord asked, frowning. "That stuff is like a disease - it passes right onto the next person until they both die. Why can't you do it?"

"I'm looking for the Yaoi Grail - I don't have time to save a princess."

And there was much arguing for many days until Sora finally agreed to let Axel join them on their quest after he had rescued said cursed princess, and saved a nation, and became a hero, and not one second earlier. Axel thought this was a fair enough deal, and warned his two friends not to complete their quest without him, or something involving castration and wooden stakes would have to be brought into the picture.

With that warning, Prince Sora and Sir Riku set out on their quest, while Sir Axel logged onto Ye Olde Internet to MapQuestith to search for the kingdom of the cursed princess.

Unfortunately, Sir Axel was distracted by ThouTube and failed to put in the direct address of Princess Kairi's castle.

But as is the case with misread directions, he didn't realize this until after he was lost, at which point he cursed the internet, ThouTube, and Korean exercise videos.

oOo

Meanwhile, in a dark castle that was situated precariously on top of a black and jagged mountain, where dark clouds and thunder bolts seemed to be the flavor of the day, someone cackled evilly. And then coughed. And sputtered. And then muttered about how many types of hell and havoc evil laughter wrecked on the throat and the lungs.

Someone else in the room threw ye olde Ricola cough drop in the general director of the cackler.

Afterwards, there was much cursing and promises of castration and probable ancestries of the person with very, _very _bad aim.

oOo

(23 July 2007): Y'know…I don't think I have anything to say on this bit, other than this is looking to be around three or four chapters. Reviews are appreciated (especially if you made it this far without your brain exploding). 

- Nashie


	2. Every Cliche in the Book

**Not Quite a Fairy Tale (But Pretty Darn Close)**

_By Samurai-Nashie_

Disclaimer: Insert appropriate disclaimer here.

Summary: A magical tale of chivalry, castles, and pixie dust, in which Sora searches for the Yaoi Grail, Kairi leads a feminist revolt, Demyx sells books, and Axel ends up rescuing the wrong princess…er, prince.

oOo

Legend has it that the wielder of the Yaoi Grail will be granted near-mythical powers, being able to control canon universes with simply a thought. The great and powerful cup was rumored to reside in the magical land of Narnia, but sadly, this was a lie fabricated by the keepers of the grail, the fangirls, who wanted no one to wield the grail except for themselves.

Narnia, after all, had its own share of problems, with a nasty infestation of humans and filmmakers with a contagious habit of procrastination.

Prince Sora had this figured out (well, technically, Sir Riku had told him, since Prince Sora couldn't figure out their map worth beans), and soon set an eastern course towards the mountains of the Yaoi Grail (which was just past the Fields of Moe and the Six Rivers of Yuri, if one did not take a wrong turn at Albuquerque).

On the third day of their journey, Sir Riku asked his best friend exactly what he planned to do once he actually acquired the grail. Sora paused to consider, and then replied confidently, "I will add to my room of treasures."

"You don't have a room of treasures."

"Well, you have to start somewhere."

Sir Riku refrained from groaning.

On the fourth day of their journey, Prince Sora asked his best friend exactly what he planned to do after they had captured the grail. After frowning at Prince Sora's lack of creativity in coming up with a question, Sir Riku replied, "I hadn't really thought about it. I suppose if Axel hasn't done it yet, we could do rescue that princess."

"What makes you think Axel hasn't done it already?"

Sir Riku shrugged. "Just a thought."

"Okay, so if Axel has rescued the fair maiden, then what are you going to do?"

"I might open Ye Olde Starbucks."

Prince Sora gaped. "Uh…why?"

"Well, you have to start somewhere."

On the fifth day of their journey, the pair entered into the town of, oh, let us call it Old Hampshire, to stock up on their supplies, and get a keychain for Prince Sora. While Prince Sora wandered around in Old Hampshire's gift shop, Sir Riku dropped their Gummi Wagon off at Cid's Garage Shopith and then went to nearest chocobo station to ask for directions.

After being told that they were still at least a fortnight's journey away from reaching the mountain summit, Sir Riku bid the owner of the chocobo station thanks, and then went to drag Prince Sora from out of MacDuff's Candy Store (where the prince had been distracted by really big and colorful lollipops). Sir Riku then told Prince Sora, "It looks as if we might have to continue on foot. There are rumors of gummi-eating beasts that roam the fields."

"Then I shall show them the power of my keyblade!" the prince exclaimed and waved the giant key (usually considered the most unthreatening of weapons, right before a stuffed Moomba), and Sir Riku refrained from groaning.

The pair then continued eastwards on their great journey to find the Yaoi Grail.

Of course, if everything were as simple as that, then this would make for quite a boring epic, wouldn't it?

Hence, on the sixth afternoon of their journey, after coming across only a handful of gummi-eating monsters (which had been quickly placated when His Majesty threw a handful of Sour Patch kids into the egg-shaped monsters' mouths), the pair quickly found themselves confronting the most notorious, the most terrible, the most heinous, the most squeal-inducing, and the downright Most Evil© thing they had ever counted in their lives.

A bridge.

And not just any bridge, but a bridge being guarded by someone who's glare could match Sir Riku's, which was unrivaled in all the land (well, obviously except for this one). His name was Zexion (just Zexion, but if one really wanted to get very creative with it, one could bring it on Fergie-style and call him "Z to the E to the X to the I to the O to the N" - but if one would very much like to keep their bowels within their body, one should probably refrain by calling him as such), and though bridge-watching wasn't exactly his idea of a brilliant career move, he decided that would much rather not work at MacDuff's for the rest of his life, inquiring, "Would you care to supersize that?"

"We wish to pass," Prince Sora said, waving the bridge just beyond. The young man in front of him frowned.

"Do you have a ticket?"

"Uh…no…"

"Then you shall not pass."

In another land, far, far away, an ancient wizard dude who helped the short and scruffy was considering very much to take up copyright of his term.

Sir Riku and Prince Sora shared looks. And then Sir Riku said, "We are searching for the Yaoi Grail, and in order to do that, we have to go across this bridge."

"Not without a ticket."

And Prince Sora and Sir Riku were much displeased.

So they ventured a few yards away to discuss this tiny problem. Pushing Zexion into a river was not an option, Prince Sora told Sir Riku. Also knocking him over the head with a key blade and leaving him unconscious on his bridge as they passed was also an unwise move. So, Prince Sora and Sir Riku muttered and contemplated, and wondered how in the world they were to get past this obstacle without resorting to violence.

Then, Prince Sora held his finger in the air and said, "We could buy a ticket!"

And it was a smashing idea. Except the town had sold out of all tickets to cross the bridge towards the mountains of the Yaoi Grail. Something about road construction, taxes, and a fellow named Luxord.

And Prince Sora and Sir Riku were _very _much displeased.

So they traveled back to Old Hampshire to ask for different directions this time because the stiff at the bridge refused to let them past. And Cid, the owner of ye olde garage shop, only harrumphed and said, "That's the only way to get to the mountains of the Yaoi Grail. However…" The man trailed off and looked thoughtful. "However, if you are looking for the _Yaoi _Grail, then I might have an idea…"

And so it was with great determination that the pair marched off to the house of Lord Demyx, the son of the mayor of Old Hampshire, and demanded that he reason with pain in the arse at the bridge.

Now Lord Demyx was a kind and gentle nobleman, and would never turn down anyone without hearing them out first. So he listened with great attention, nodding at all the appropriate moments, a concerned look on his face. And then, when Prince Sora and Sir Riku finished explaining their dilemma to him, Lord Demyx smiled brightly and then said, "Thanks for your consideration. Please vote for my dad next election." And he slammed the door in their face.

Prince Sora knocked again, and this time, when Lord Demyx politely opened the door, the prince brandished a multi-colored lollipop under the blonde's nose. "There's more where this came from. All you have to do is talk to him."

Sir Riku added, "And if he doesn't listen in, exile him. Not quite that hard."

And since Lord Demyx hadn't exiled anyone ever (and the idea of a lifetime supply of lollipops didn't hurt either), he decided to accompany Prince Sora and Sir Riku back to the bridge the next day to confront Zexion.

The bridge-keeper was unamused and glared at all three of them. "Do you have a ticket?"

"Well…uh…no…"

"Then you shall not…"

"Have you ever watched Lord of the Rings?" Lord Demyx asked suddenly, crossing his arms and grinning brightly. And Zexion was much confused at the abrupt turn of conversation, and he blinked at the blond-haired nobleman standing in front of him.

"Excuse me?"

"Well, have you?"

Zexion raised an eyebrow. "Well, considering that watching it would require a device that has another seven hundred or so years to be invented in a land that hasn't been discovered yet…no, I would say I haven't."

"Now you're just avoiding the subject," Lord Demyx retorted. "Either way, you are so totally infringing on the old wizard dude's catchphrase. Besides, who are you to tell me that I shall not pass? I'm the son of the mayor."

"I voted for the other guy."

Lord Demyx waved his hand. "Details, details." He then gestured back to Prince Sora and Sir Riku who were watching the entire conversation in confused bemusement. "Now, if you'll kindly let these gentlemen pass." Zexion shook his head, and even when Lord Demyx politely threw in a "pretty please with a chocolate-covered cherry on top" the slate-haired bridge-keeper simply refused to budge. So, Lord Demyx thought long and hard about this predicament.

Then, he smiled brightly. "Okay, then. Your job is to make sure that people can't get past without a ticket, right?"

Zexion frowned. "Right."

"Because they might cause all sort of havoc on the other side, right?"

"Right."

"So, technically," Lord Demyx drawled, "the only way to make sure that these gentlemen don't cause any havoc is to supervise them, because as the guardian of this bridge, you must guard anyone who is passing over it and since these two fellows here can't pass over it without your constant supervision, it is only logical to assume that in attempting to cross the bridge they will not render havoc until over it, which is why it is imperative for them cross it or else it will render your job mute because what good is there protecting a bridge that doesn't need protecting if these two royal kids cause mischief or not?"

Zexion stared. Sir Riku stared. Prince Sora nodded in agreement.

"What he said."

Zexion's brow furrowed. "That makes absolutely no sense."

"Oh, it makes perfect sense. Besides, going on a nie little quest is a bit more fun than staying here and guarding rotting wood all day, isn't it?"

"…"

Lord Demyx beamed. "That's the spirit." He turned back to Prince Sora and Sir Riku. "With your permission, good sirs, we would like to accompany you on your quest to search for the effervescent Holy Grail."

"Uh…that's the Yaoi Grail."

"Details, details. Now, shall we be off?" And without waiting for anyone to reply, he grabbed Zexion by the wrist and began to pull him across the bridge, chattering excitedly about this fellow named Gandalf and other quotable movie characters (someone named Sir Nicholson kept coming up in his conversation). After a few moments of impenetrable silence, Sir Riku turned to look at Prince Sora with a small frown.

"Exactly what did we just agree to?"

Prince Sora shrugged. "I don't know, but I've got a feeling that romantic and comical situations are ahead of us."

Truer words were never spoken.

oOo

In the far regions of Middle-of-Nowhere, which was actually quite further down the bay than the watermelons grew, Sir Axel was in quite a predicament.

You see, if one recalls from the previous chapter, Sir Axel, who somehow had gotten his hands on technology that Zexion obviously hadn't countered yet, had been distracted by musical exercise videos from overseas, and henceforth lost his way in searching for Princess Kairi's castle. He ended up just a few miles shy of the border of Canada, and definitely on the very bad side of the princess awaiting to be rescued in Disneyland.

Of course, if Sir Axel wouldn't have been such a stereotypical guy and had simply asked for directions at the nearest MacDuff's (now serving one thousand and five!), then he probably wouldn't be in his current predicament. No - Sir Axel much rather preferred tromping around through steaming deserts and crossing raging rivers and braving forests and battling the five o' clock traffic rush hour.

So when he finally stumbled across a dark, creepy-looking castle covered with dead vines trailing up stone walls and guarded by a very pissy-looking dragon as ominous thunder clouds loomed in back and lighting cracked the sky open, one can imagine his unbounded relief.

If by relief one meant sheer and total dread, then yes. Sir Axel was VERY much relieved.

Alas, Sir Axel was not one to turned away by the ridiculously Gothic setting of the house. So, as the scaly black dragon with eyes the color of all seven hells breathed fire and brimstone, Sir Axel marched right up to the twisted and rusted iron gates…and pressed the buzzer.

He was met with sullen silence.

Perhaps she already croaked, Sir Axel thought as he pushed open the iron gates, treaded past the cheerful "Welcome!" mat, and turned to face the ferocious fire-breathing beast. In an amazingly gorgeous FMV, Sir Axel and the dragon faced off, in millions of dollars worth of fire graphics and pretentious cut scenes that would circle the internet and create fan theories that would be shut down the minute the sequel came out (oh, so that's what he meant by "the other side of the door"!).

Besides, such a long and detailed battle would take far too much time, and the Narrator is working on a tight schedule. Lets just say Sir Axel won, and he continued on his march up the winding, crumbling stone staircase to the front door of the castle, conveniently forgetting that he was trespassing.

When Sir Axel entered into the castle, he noticed sourly that someone obviously had been under a spell for a very long time. There were cobwebs everywhere, and everything was covered in a good three-quarters inch of dust, and those creepy protraits hanging on the walls obviously had learned how to move their eyes on their own in the past however long the spell had been going on.

Still, Sir Axel believed that as long as he didn't bump into a talking teapot or candelabra, everything was good.

He continued throughout the castle, glancing through doors, checking under rugs, and basically turning the place upside down. Of course, as is the case with most things, the last place he looked out turned out to be the only place he didn't look - the highest point in the castle, a stone tower the overlooked the entire castle and surrounding forests.

"This is the most clichéd castle I've ever been in," Sir Axel grumbled as he stomped up the winding staircase, coming to a huge wooden door with intricate iron paneling and a very big lock on the door. Sir Axel sighed and simply incinerated the door with his awesome fire skills.

He entered into the circular room, and sighed at the dust and cobwebs and other icky stuff that screamed "OMG DAMSEL IN DISTRESS!!!!" Sir Axel blinked a bit as his eyes adjusted to the darkness - as this was the only room that didn't actually had a window in it (stained glass was better than nothing) - and then glanced over at the only piece of furniture in the room (other than a strangely large vanity mirror) - a four poster bed which was currently occupied by something.

That is, someone.

Sir Axel let out a sigh of relief. Finally, he had found the princess. Now, if he remembered correctly, according to the Big Rule Book of Fairy Tales, Sixth Edition, second volume, chapter twenty-two, paragraph nineteen, after awaking the princess with the kiss of true love (or something like that), the spell would be broken and the two would go galloping off into the sunset (or something like that).

Again, though, Sir Axel forgot one of two things. The first thing was that Kairi lived in Disneyland - not the haunted mansion, and said curse had not actually fallen upon her yet.

The second thing he forgot was that the description of the fair maiden of Disney pretty much went something like this: "eyes the color of the deepest ocean blue (kind of like the diamond from Titanic), skin as fair as the equivalent exchange from Fullmetal Alchemist, and hair the color of rubies, but not those cheap rubies you buy out of the trunk of some guy named Z-Man in the parking lot of MacDuff's, but the real pretty kind they probably sell for thousands of dollars at Sir Macy's."

Now, if Axel had remembered this (and had actually taken the time to summon a few flames to actually see the damsel he was rescuing), then he probably would have realized that the princess he was not a redhead.

Oh, no - definitely _not _a redhead.

Which makes it very understandable that as soon as Sir Axel planted a kiss, the minute said…er…maiden's bright blue eyes flew open, a muffled shout of protest and a well-aimed fist came right after.

Sir Axel winced as he reeled from the blow, and fell right off the bed and onto the floor in a tumbled heap. "Son of a…!" He rubbed the side of his head gingerly, muttering darkly about spoiled rotten princesses with lousy morning attitudes, and turned to glare back up at the bed.

And into a pretty, fuming face.

A pretty, fuming, _boyish _face.

"Who the hell are you!?!?"

Sir Axel blinked once, blinked twice, and then muttered something that sounded like, "Aw, _luck_."

Meanwhile, somewhere else, the Writer of the Big Rule Book of Fairy Tales smirked. "Find a loophole out of this one, losers."

oOo

Back in Disneyland, Kairi was getting a little annoyed.

Okay, make that a lot annoyed.

She, the most beautiful, honest, kind-hearted, etc., etc., princess in the entire WORLD had not yet been rescued by a handsome prince in shining armor, riding on a white horse to take her away to his castle in the sky. And goshdarnit, she didn't care if she was using every single clichéd romantic ending in the book, but she wanted to be rescued and she wanted to be rescued _now_.

So Princess Kairi, being the reasonable and level-headed princess that she was, gathered up her lacy skirts and stomped down to meet with the advisor to the king (who was totally not evil and doublecrossing the royal family or playing "Beautiful Girls" repeatedly on the radio or anything like that) to demand an explanation.

She threw open the doors to the advisor's chambers and whished in, her forest animal friends scampering after her, and leaving nice little poop pellets for the castle staff to wash out of the carpet later.

"Marluxia! I need you to tell me something now!"

Lord Marluxia looked slightly ruffled by the appearance of the princess, and only the fact that Lady Larxene (his temperamental wife with a perchance for maiming people with lacy fans, daggers, crochet needles, and anything else that would leave nice bruises on a person's…er…person) snatched the suspicious looking papers out of his hands saved him from being discovered (but it wasn't like he was totally evil or doublecrossing the royal family or selling puppies on eBay or anything like that). He raised an eyebrow, and then swept into an eloquent bow that would put Prince Sora to shame. "My lady?"

"Marluxia, I know you've been a loyal servant to the family for many, many, many long years…" Lord Marluxia frowned, and Lady Larxene snickered, "and I just want to know what you think I should do about my curse."

"Well, this does present a problem, doesn't it?" Lord Marluxia mused. "Why don't you allow the Lady Larxene and myself to consider a solution?"

"Uh…okay…but I already have a solution - it's just that the stupid princes are taking forever to come."

Lady Larxene rolled her eyes. "You should have put an R.S.V.P. on your little note." Princess Kairi began to form a pout, but the blonde woman quickly waved her hand in annoyance. "Oh, never mind." She turned to her husband, and said, "What about that prince just across the border? I think he still owes three or four years of his life."

"I think he put a restraining order on you…"

"The bastard."

Princess Kairi blinked, and suddenly had the feeling that these were _not _the people she should have come to ask for help in her little crisis. She slowly began to back out of the room, quietly murmuring something about singing a song about the good points of hard work and finding a prince and believing in your dreams or something silly and pointless like that. Then she ran for her sanity.

Lord Marluxia gave his wife a look. "Must you _always _do that?" The blonde young woman shrugged, taking her daggers out of random pockets on her petticoat and began tossing them in the hair.

"Well, we could have played that music video by that fallen pop princess - that would have had the same affects."

Somewhere else, an enraged fan glared furiously in the general direction of certain Narrator, who will simply shrug and say, "Yah. I went there."

oOo

**Author's Note **(15 Oct 2007): Um…pairings? Yah, you all should know where this is going. XD

Sorry for the long wait. But I am determined to get this done…in between the crapload of homework that has become my life nowadays. Bear with me, please?


	3. Do Not Take Before Operating Machinery

Not Quite a Fairy Tale (But Pretty Darn Close)

By Samurai-Nashie

Disclaimer: Insert appropriate disclaimer here.

oOo

Technically, all things considered, the legend of King Arthur was not a fairy tale.

Which was why, as our group of heroes stumbled across someone glaring darkly at a strange key-shaped object stuck in a large rock, they shared curious looks. For a moment, they considered abandoning the poor guy (who was still glaring at the rock) because they weren't quite sure if this actually adhered to the story, but, Prince Sora, being Prince Sora, decided "what the heck" and wandered over.

"Good morrow, my fellow countryman!"

Blue eyes glared darkly in his general direction. "What the hell is a morrow?"

Prince Sora blinked. "Uh…"

Sir Riku bounded in, as was his duty when the prince was faced with a question he didn't know the answer to. Needless to say, Sir Riku had since learned to bound effortlessly. "You seem to have a problem on your hands. Is your sword stuck?" (There was possible sexual innuendo in that question, and considering the content of this fairy tale, the chances of that being true are highly probable - but lets just pretend none of the boys actually understood it).

"No, my sword isn't stuck," came the quiet reply (with a raised eyebrow in the direction of the innuendo). "I'm just sitting here, admiring the speed at which the grass grows."

"Ah, well, if that's it then…" Lord Demyx murmured with a frown, and Zexion refrained from sighing as the man sighed and waved in the general direction of the sword.

"Haven't you all heard?" the man said. "The one who pulls this blade out of this stone becomes king!"

"King of what?"

"Of this entire country."

Prince Sora paused, and then turned to Sir Riku. "Hey, Riku…since this country is ruled by my family, wouldn't that sort of suck for us? I mean, getting kicked out of the palace by someone who pulled a magic sword out of a giant rock? What exactly does that prove anyway?"

"That you can take magic swords out of rocks?" Sir Riku suggested, rubbing his temples wearily. "Nice credentials for the future monarchy." He glanced towards the "magic sword" and frowned. "Why not have at it? If you manage to pull it out, then you'll still be king. If you don't, you can kill off the whelp that managed to do it, and still be king."

"Shouldn't I be king now? I mean, it's not like my parents are even in this story…"

"Details, Sora. Details."

Prince Sora only grinned and jumped over to the rock. And in a might display of strength and ingenuity and more of those really nifty FMV sequences that would be only seen behind closed doors at certain game shows that never seem to be held in the United States where almost everything can be received bootleg, Prince Sora pulled the magical blade out of the sword, and held it to the sky. The light of white sun glinted off the pure silver and gold spokes of the blade, creating rays of light that seemed to illuminate the prince. "Alas, a new king has chosen. The destiny of all lies in the hands of one."

A minute passed.

Then…

"Sora, how long are you going to hold that pose?"

"It makes for a good movie poster, doesn't it?" Lord Demyx murmured thoughtfully. "Too bad we don't have the soaring orchestration in the background."

(Unbeknownst to the group, Sir John Williams was stuck in the middle of traffic in downtown Old York, and was muttering darkly about missing his chance to win his four-hundredth Oscar nomination for musical score.)

Prince Sora spun the keyblade effortlessly and then willed it away. "I think I will call it the Ultimate Keyblade."

"Very creative," Zexion noted dryly.

"I certainly thought so," the brown-haired prince said, before putting his hands on hips and spinning to face the man who was gazing sort of forlornly at the now swordless-rock. "My worthy adversary, I applaud your deeds here today. And even though I proved to be the future king of whatever country we live in, I ask you to join our quest in searching for the Yaoi Grail."

The man shrugged. "Why not?"

Prince Sora beamed. "Now, let us go forth, my knights of the round table!"

Silence met this hearty exclamation.

"Sora?" Sir Riku ventured. "_What _table?"

"I don't recall being knighted," Zexion murmured, as Lord Demyx nodded in agreement - a noble, yes, a swashbuckling knight, no.

"Why does it have to be round?" the newest member (oh, lets just say it was Lexaeus) to the group wondered aloud.

So, it was forty some minutes later, with Sora hastily knighting Demyx, Zexion, and Lexaeus (though all of them warily looking at the way Sora haphazardly swung his keyblade around) and having quickly decided that due to international copyright laws, they couldn't lay claimed to the term "knights of the round table" and settled for "Some Guys Looking for Something", the group departed once again for the mountains of the Yaoi Grail.

Of course, as legend has it, the closer one would approach the mountains, the stronger the affects of the magical cup (hopefully it is a cup and not something ridiculous like a giant golden dildo) would be.

Somewhere, past the universe of fandom, tens of thousands of fangirls rejoiced.

oOo

Somewhere in the dark, deserted, uber-gothic castle of DOOM, Sir Axel was wondering what would be the best way to reverse the "kiss of true love."

After having been sucker-punched by his "damsel-in-distress" and been cursed out in an impressive range of vocabulary, Sir Axel, for his part, _attempted _to explain his dilemma to the blond prince. Of course, said explanation failed to work (as the prince had then thrown a freaking half-eaten apple at this head) and the two had resorted to glaring at each other from separate corners of the room.

Glancing over at the blond who was still darkly glaring at him, Sir Axel thought it may have been easier to leap in front of a speeding carriage and stop it with his bare hands.

"So…" he began, earning himself a few lethal visual daggers in the process. "This is awkward?"

The blond glared even more, but seemed to be satisfied with sitting as far away from the redhead as possible. Then, he muttered, "Why are you here? I didn't need rescuing."

"Lets see - you were trapped in eternal sleep in the highest cellar of a dark, deserted, ridiculously gothic castle, guarded by a fire-breathing dragon of doom, in a place where its probably rained and stormed and thundered for the past who knows how long," Sir Axel said, ticking off the points on his fingers. The blond only scowled more, but said nothing. "Then I happen to come along, slay the dragon and wake…"

"You did _what _to the dragon!?"

Sir Axel raised an eyebrow. "I slew the dragon. It's what knights in shining armor do."

This explanation, it seemed, would not calm down the young man, because he had leapt up from the edge of his bed, stormed the distance of the room in about two point one seconds, and grabbed a fistful of Sir Axel's jacket. Blue eyes glittered darkly. "You killed my birthday present!?"

"Your _birthday _present?" Sir Axel stared at him. Who in the world gave their kids a fire-breathing dragon for their birthday?

"How dare you!"

"How was I supposed to know the dragon was your birthday present?"

"Do you just randomly go on these killing sprees for the hell of it!?"

"Normal people would be thankful to their rescuers!"

"I didn't need rescuing! I was fine!"

"You were under a spell!"

"What do you care? I can take care of myself."

Sir Axel stopped at that one, and then began to laugh. Of course, that earned him no amount of ye olde cool points in the shorter young man's book, and he snatched his hand back and prepared to go right back over to his spot on the bed and continue to wallow in teenage angst. After all, teenagers do seem to be awfully good at that.

Sir Axel was having none of that though, and, still grinning, walked right up behind the blond, grabbed him around the waist, and hauled him over his shoulder. Amidst the cursing (for a "damsel" in distress, the blond sure had a hefty vocabulary akin to a sailor's) and kicking and punching and squirming, Sir Axel only chuckled more. "I'm sure you can take plenty care of yourself, your Majesty. But as of right now, since I am the dashing knight in shining armor and you are the damsel of distress, my job is to get you to safety."

"Bastard!" the blond seethed.

"I think my parents would disagree," Sir Axel replied good-naturedly (well, as good-naturedly as humanly possible for someone whose back was being bruised by a very unthankful, very squeamish prince). "So, blondie…do you have a name?

"What the hell do you care?"

"Well, I could very well call you Blondie or Short-stuff or kid for the rest of the journey, but considering the fact that I like my spleen where it is…"

The blond huffed indignantly, and for a few moments said absolutely nothing. Then, he grumbled out, "It's Roxas."

"Nice to meet you, Prince Roxas. The name's Axel. Commit it to memory, considering that we'll probably end up married sooner or later."

Prince Roxas let out a squawk of protest, and then began cursing again as they traveled down the winding staircase. "I am not marrying you, you son of a…"

"Kid, I gave you the kiss of true love. There's rules about these sort of things. Something about riding off in a castle in the clouds and duets and waltzes and pixie dust…"

"I said I'm not marrying you!"

This argument continued for another five minutes until Sir Axel was beginning to wonder if the kid ever ran out of breath, and if he would forever seem content with punching, kicking, and pinching every bit of Sir Axel's anatomy that was within reach. It was only after the pair reached the front atrium, and the blond prince having settled to a sullen silence, did Sir Axel actually dump him onto his feet.

Only to have the shorter young man punch him in the arm.

"Hey!"

"That was for rescuing me," came the reply as Prince Roxas dusted himself off. When Sir Axel opened his mouth to protest, Sir Roxas glared at him, which effectively silenced the redheaded knight. "And for killing my dragon. And for kissing me." He scowled when Sir Axel grinned at this.

"Whatever, kid. How exactly did you end up under a spell anyway?"

"Some blue-haired guy gave me an apple," came the grumbled response. "Said something about doctors."

Sir Axel whistled low under his breath. "Never trust the blue-haired people, kid."

"Thanks. I'll be sure to remember that."

oOo

Back in the wonderful land of Disney, Princess Kairi had decided to take her dilemma to her parents, the wise and ultimately power-monologue King Xemnas-Not-Mansex and his beautiful…uh…wife and Kairi's step…er…mother, Queen Saï x. And Saï x was much displeased at having to play this role (because goshdarnit, he and Xemnas had less than a minute of screen time together so WHY were they always paired up) and acted very much the disgruntled housewife.

Princess Kairi, dressed in a beautiful blue Disney Princess gown, entered into the magnificent throne chamber, trailed by a deer, two swallows, two rabbits and fifteen of their offspring, a grumpy owl, ten mice, a turtle, and Gollum. Okay, maybe not Gollum, but all the other woodland creatures were there, and took up residence on the velvety red carpet leading up to the thrones.

And then Princess Kairi swept into a beautiful curtsy, and said, "Good evening, Father and Step…uh…mother."

"Queen" Saï x's looked darkened miserably. "What is it you want?"

Princess Kairi sighed dramatically and rose to her feet. "Father, Stepmother, something evil is about to befall me in a matter of three days! I am very frightened as to what it might be, and no prince has come to rescue me! What will become of me?"

And her woodland friends began to chirp and whimper in sympathy.

"We love you, princess!"

"No worries, princess! We know a prince will come for you!"

"Never fear! He will arrive and take you to his castle in the sky!"

King Xemnas and "Queen" Saï x shared looks - they had often discussed (read: argued) over the fact that Princess Kairi seemed to enjoy the company of animals more than other people, which probably contributed to the fact that no guy would give her the time of day. King Xemnas thought about his daughter's dilemma for a moment, "Three days, you say?"

"Yes, Father."

"As in seventy-hours?"

"Yes, Father."

"As in four-thousand three-hundred and twenty minutes?"

"_Yes_, Father," replied Princess Kairi irritably. "Before the clock strikes midnight on that third night, I must receive the kiss of true love or I will be doomed to…well, I'm not quite sure what, but I know I'll be doomed!"

King Xemnas nodded. "Well, then, we must do what any family would in this situation: we will throw a grand ball, to which all the eligible young men in the kingdom will be invited. There, you will fall in love with a mysterious young stranger, and you will dance to a love song unheard by all except you. And then he will kiss you, and you will be saved from the spell, and you will be wed the next day." Princess Kairi's eyes lit up with hope, and she threw her arms out and spun in a circle.

"Oh, what a magnificent idea!" she said through giggles, running up to the king and enveloping in a hug. King Xemnas murmured something about the canon storyline, and "Queen" Saï x stiffened, but Princess Kairi paid no attention and then, with a wave goodbye, ran out the door, trailed by her furry friends (which had left poop pellets all over the formerly pristine carpet). "Queen" Saï x gave King Xemnas a pointed, long-suffering look.

"What'd I say?"

"Queen" Saï x only groaned and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Do you have any idea how much this is going to cost?"

"…probably a good fortune."

"And, tell me, since when do people fall in love in one night?"

King Xemnas huffed. "It's a fairy tale. It doesn't _have _to make sense."

Meanwhile, out in the hallway, Princess Kairi was running down the hallways, a bright smile on her face now that she knew that she was only days away from being released from her unknown spell forever. She raced up to a balcony at the end of the hallway, threw open the glass doors (smacking a poor sparrow in the process), and ran to the edge, looking out over the beautiful kingdom of Disney.

"Oh, princess, you must be excited!" one of the mice said happily.

"She must be very excited," the two uninjured sparrows sang, and rest of the woodland creatures all nodded their heads in agreement.

"What will you do when you meet him?" the deer asked in a strangely childlike voice, nudging Princess Kairi's hand. Princess Kairi thought about this for a long moment, and then cupped her chin in her hands, dreamily looking to the big fat clouds in the big fat dark blue sky where a big fat moon sat on the horizon.

Of course, the introduction to a song was interrupted by a gathering of fireflies and sparkles and prettiness, and suddenly, a young blond witch-in-another-life appeared on the balcony next to Kairi, looking mystical and gorgeous…and allergic to something.

"_Achoo_!"

Naminé wasn't exactly your typical fairy godmother.

Okay, technically, it looked as if she wasn't old enough to be Princess Kairi's fairy godmother at all. But since the usual fairy godmother had decided to take a retirement cruise to the Great Islands of Ye Olde Bahamas, Naminé had been chosen to be her replacement. The blonde hadn't really protested, though a worried frown appeared on her face when the employment agency told her she might have to sing.

So it was in poofy white garb and sparkles did she appear on the balcony, haphazardly holding a star-shaped wand and sneezing out pixie dust as she did so. The redheaded princess frowned uncertainly at her. "Who are you?"

"I'm you…achoo!…fairy godmother…" Sniffle. Naminé rubbed her nose. "Sorry. This stuff is like pollen."

"My fairy godmother?" awed the princess, as her four-legged friends 'ooooohed' amongst themselves. Princess Kairi stared at the blonde. "You don't look any older than me." Naminé shrugged and began dusting off the various golden sparkles on her poofy dress, murmuring quietly about the dry cleaners as she did so.

"The regular one is on vacation - I'm just a stand-in," Naminé said, somewhat satisfied with her less sparkly appearance. "I heard that you need to fall in love in three days, to a handsome stranger you may have just met only minutes before, and be wed the next day." Princess Kairi's happy smile and sparkly eyes answered the unspoken question, and Naminé sighed. "How do you know that you'll love him? I mean, that it's true love?"

"Well…" Princess Kairi began, folding her hands as three chipmunks climbed onto her lap. "There's always that little special thing, and then you just realize that when you've met your own true love…" A flue began to play in the background from some unknown location. Naminé and the woodland creatures looked around for the offending musician, but could find no one. Still, Princess Kairi seemed to know the music and began to sing to it.

When I meet my one true love

I'll know him right from the start

We'll look into each others eyes

And feel the fluttering of our hearts!

When I meet my one true love

We'll dance and we'll sing and we'll dance

And when he finally kisses me

I know I've found my romance

"Oh, that sounds so lovely!" the turtle murmured, while the rabbits giggled amongst themselves.

Somewhere, across the mountains and fields and oceans and etc., some poor lyricist began to cry.

Naminé bit her lip hesitantly and, in the midst of invisible orchestration, quietly ventured, "Kairi…?"

Of course, it was far too late, since a full blown musical number was now in the process. The animals were leaping around Princess Kairi's billowing dress as she sang about falling in love and believing in your dreams and the Kiss of True Love. Out of nowhere, some of the castle's servants appeared and began to dance along with the princess, in perfect step with perfect choreography as the invisible orchestration built.

Somewhere, across the fields and mountains and oceans and etc., some poor theatre critic began to bang his head against the wall.

When I meet my one true love, ah, ah

It will be the greatest thing

My dream will have come true, ah, ah

And my heart will begin to sing!

Naminé sighed and looked at her blue Baby-G. As the song continued, Naminé began patting her dress in search of something, and after a few moments, murmured "a-ha", pulling out a small black wallet from one of the billows of her huge petticoat. Pulling it open, she began to look through it, smiling contently when she found what she was looking for, and pulled it out.

The song came to a mid-halt as Princess Kairi laid eyes on the MasterCard. "Is that…?"

"We only have three days, princess," Naminé said with a small smile. "And it's going to be a big ball. I suggest we start right away." Princess Kairi's face split into a big smile, and she grabbed Naminé 's wrist and began to drag her towards the balcony doors, as they were trailed by the deer and the rabbits and the mice and the two uninjured sparrows and the turtle and Gollum.

Okay, maybe not Gollum…there would be something strangely wrong with him accompanying two young girls as they shopped for the royal version of the prom…

oOo

Somehow, Prince Sora had gotten lost. In doing so, he had gotten the rest of his knights lost as well, in a big, dark, terribly creepy looking forest of DOOM. Okay, so Prince Sora was not known to have the best sense of direction ever, but still, Sir Riku would have assumed that all of the signs saying "DON'T GO THIS WAY" or "TURN BACK" should have been enough for them to listen.

Of course, Prince Sora said it was a shortcut.

So now, the group of one prince, one childhood-friend-become knight, one lord-become-knight, one gatekeeper-become-knight, and one guy-formerly-known-as-the-dude-who-wanted-to-become-king-become-knight, all stood smack in the middle of big, dark, terribly creepy-looking forest of DOOM and not looking too happy with it all.

Prince Sora grinned. "Never fear, my knights. We just have to cross this forest, and then we will arrive before the mountains of the Yaoi Grail."

"Sora…" Sir Lexaeus began, looking as though he were trying to fight off a headache, "we're in the middle of a forest, which was in the middle of nowhere to begin with. How do you know we'll end up by these mountains?"

"Because I have a keen sense of direction."

Sir Zexion groaned, and Sir Riku did an eloquent palm to the face. "Sora…"

At that precise moment, the conversation died away as something rustled in the bushes. Five pairs of eyes turned towards the rattling bushes, and then, ever cautiously, weapons were pulled out. Well, at least three of them pulled out weapons…

Prince Sora blinked. "You guys aren't going to fight?" Sir Zexion glared at him.

"Two days ago, I guarded a bridge for a living. What makes you think I know how to handle a sword?"

Sir Demyx just shrugged. "I'm not much of a fighter."

Prince Sora gaped at them, Sir Lexaeus shrugged and hefted his giant tomahawk to his shoulder, Sir Riku murmured something along the lines of "we're screwed" as their attacker leapt from the bushes.

"Oh, son of a…!?"

oOo

Meanwhile, in that dark castle that was situated precariously on top of a black and jagged mountain where it was currently snowing (the rain and thunder and lightning had long since passed), Lord Marluxia was debating whether or not the evil domain should move to somewhere less conspicuous. After all, they're location practically shouted, "EVIL PEOPLE AND DONALD TRUMP LIVE HERE!"

Lady Larxene, though, would have none of it, saying something about mortgage and the weather terrifying people and the flying monkeys and great skiing. Lord Marluxia knew better than to argue with his temperamental wife (he still didn't quite know how she had managed to emotional scar a plant…and didn't exactly want to find out).

The two were currently sitting by a big totally Gothic fireplace, looking very much the part of evil mustache-twirling villains of the Victorian era. Except this was supposed to be…not the Victorian age. Oh, well.

At that moment, when a loud clap of thunder could be heard outside (and a loud clap of thunder in the middle of a snowstorm is possibly the strangest occurrence ever), the doors to the…oh, lets just call it the conservatory of DOOM…swung open, and in walked in the very person who was in charge of bringing down the royal family.

It shouldn't have been any surprise that it was "Queen" Saï x. (The "stepmother" part should have given it away).

"Well? What's the news?" Lord Marluxia asked as the queen joined the two of them by the fire, casting long ominous shadows against the wall.

"She still believes the curse will fall upon her," the queen murmured. "Just as I planned."

"You know, this idea could completely and totally backfire," Lady Larxene noted with a bored expression on her face. "I mean, telling her five minutes before midnight - oh, and that's if she doesn't find someone to kiss her - that the only way to really break the spell is to take a bite of a poisoned apple?" Saï x scowled.

"She won't _know _it's poisoned. Apples are supposed to be good for you."

"Huh," Lady Larxene rolled her eyes, suitably unimpressed. "So, did you test out this evil, poisoned apple to make sure it just doesn't give her gas?"

There was more scowling and Lord Marluxia sighed. "We tested it out on a prince. As far as we know, he's still asleep, locked in his castle. Only the Kiss of True Love can wake someone up from that kind of sleep."

"Queen" Saï x's lips quirked into half-smile. "Once she falls asleep, I won't have to worry about her attempting to replace me as…" He frowned, and glanced at the Narrator. "As what exactly? If Xemnas is still alive, then I still won't be ruling anything anyways." Lord Marluxia and Lady Larxene shared looks and then quickly shushed the blue-haired queen, murmuring something about fourth walls, and lawyers, and _High School Musical_.

Somewhere out in the universe, someone shouted something about shameless plugging.

…uh-huh. Whatever.

oOo

Author's Note (20 Dec 07): Oh, this story makes my brain bleed. Yay for crack!fics. 

Only one (probably ridiculously long) chapter left. Woo-hoo!

- Nashie


	4. Leave a Message At the Sound of the Beep

**Not Quite a Fairy Tale (But Pretty Darn Close)**

_By Samurai-Nashie_

Disclaimer: Insert appropriate disclaimer here.

oOo

And they all lived happily ever after. The end.

Sadly, that's not exactly the right part of the story to put said words in. But wouldn't it be awesome to know beforehand that everyone was going to live happily ever after and live in a nice suburban neighborhood in a nice white house with a nice white picket fence and two point four children with a dog named Spuffy and a cat named Mittens and four turtles named Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello, and Michelangelo?

But, of course, this is a story of Disney manufacturing, so technically, it MUST end on a happy note. (Though the jury is still out for the movies _Pocahontas _- because seriously that was not a happy ending - and the third _Pirates of the Caribbean_ - I mean, c'mon, was it really necessary to have _everyone _die?).

The Narrator digresses.

Anyway, in order for a wonderful group of characters to actually get their happy ending, it is recommended by the Big Rule Book of Fairy Tales, Sixth Edition, in the fifth volume, chapter fourteen, paragraph two that all protagonists wishing to reach a respectable happy ending (that will satisfy both characters and readers alike) must go through a TERRIBLE TRIAL that will ultimately bereave them of their confidence, at which time they will discover that they have a remarkable inner strength to overcome all trial and error.

Fortunately for our group of heroes currently lost in the big, dark, terribly creepy-looking forest of DOOM, they had reached this critical part of the fairy tale.

Unfortunately for our heroes, said terrible trial was going to be administered by Xigbar.

The second member of the Organization (which may or may not have existed in this alternate universe) stepped calmly from the bushes to confront the group of knights. He was wearing the black regimentals of a heavily armored knight, complete with a helmet, a rather ridiculous looking shield with a rather ridiculous looking crest on it, and a massive sword.

Somewhere, the crew of Monty Python glared at the terrible misconceived mimicry.

In a moment of shattering the fourth wall, Sir Lexaeus blinked at Xigbar and plaintively asked. "No guns?"

"They wouldn't let me have any - something about historical inaccuracy and Wikipedia and the FCC," Xigbar said with a shrug before leaning heavily on his sword. "So, I heard you guys are lost. Man, sucks to be you."

"You heard from who, exactly?" Sir Zexion asked with a raised eyebrow. He was promptly ignored.

Xigbar glanced back the way the group of knights had come. "You guys on the way to get the Yaoi Grail, huh? You wouldn't be the first. Unfortunately for you all, I just can't let you keep on walking this way."

"Why not?" Prince Sora asked.

"Gee, let's see: The Big Rule Book of Fairy Tales, Sixth Edition…and some other stuff…said I'm supposed to be your main adversary in getting to the mountains. Which, hey, makes no sense, since this is the forth chapter and first time I've ever showed up, but who's keeping track of this anyway?" He waved his sword lazily in the direction of the group of knights. "Good news, though. I have no idea why they gave me a sword since I have no idea how to use it."

Sir Riku raised an eyebrow. "So you'll let us pass."

Xibgar snorted and held up a hand. "Hold it right there, kid. Now what kind of mysterious black-dressed dude would I be if I just let you pass without any kind of trouble?"

"My apologies," noted Sir Riku dryly. 

Xigbar grinned. "Alright, then. Lets get started." He sheathed his sword, and then reached into his pocket, pulling out a Five-Star three-subject college-rule notebook and began flipping through the pages. The group of knights all sighed irritably (well, except for Sir Demyx whom the Narrator doubts can be irritable, and Prince Sora, whom the Narrator also doubts can be irritable). "Now, according to that book, in order to get by me, you've got to answer three questions determining the yaoi State of Affairs."

He was met with five blank stares. Prince Sora blinked. "The yaoi what?"

"The yaoi State of Affairs," Xigbar stated, raising his eyebrow over his one good eye. "The book - the international edition, by the way - states that there are five levels of Affairs. There's the subtext stage, the romantic friendship stage, the boy-love stage, the leave-it-to-the-imagination stage, and the good old NC-17 is-that-even-physically-possible-in-real-life-where-the-hell-are-the-condoms stage." He grinned and waved the notebook nonchalantly in his hand. "If you guys are already on level five, the fangirls heads are going to explode the closer you get to the Grail."

The five blank stares he received had all slowly turned into looks of slack-jawed horror.

"Let me see that!" Prince Sora exclaimed, making a grab for the notebook. Xigbar only held the book high overhead, and very much out of the prince's reach. The prince, as one can imagine, was quite short. "You're just kidding, right?"

"As if," Xigbar snickered, looking up into his notebook. "First question, then…"

The knights shared appalled looks.

"What color is the sky on a cloudless afternoon?"

Dead silence.

Sir Demyx blinked. "Uh…come again? Did you say something about the color of the sky?"

"Uh-huh."

"…"

"Well?"

"Uh…cerulean?"

"Okay. Good answer. Next question, who would win a fight, Batman or Wolverine?"

More blank stares. And then Prince Sora ventured, "Are we supposed to even know who they are?"

"No, but just answer the question."

Prince Sora and Sir Riku shared looks, and then Prince Sora shrugged, "Wolverine?" just as Sir Riku replied with, "Batman." Xigbar only watched as the two shared looks again, and then Sir Riku shrugged. "No, you're right. Wolverine can't really die."

Xigbar frowned. "Okay. Last question, then - if a tree falls in the middle of the forest and no one's around to hear it, does it make a sound?"

"Yes."

"What kind of question is that?"

"No."

"How big was the tree?"

"Do you mean, does the tree say, 'ouch!' or something?"

Xigbar snapped the notebook closed, put it back into the folds of his black armor, and sighed, leaning against a nearby tree. "Congratulations, all. You've just won the big contest. You can continue on." He was immediately greeted with glares, muttered comments on the stupidity and pointlessness of the questions, and in general, sheer hostility. Xigbar snorted. "Dude, you really expect me just to tell you why that all mattered?"

"I am the prince of whatever country this is, and I demand it!" Prince Sora grumbled, swinging his keyblade threateningly. Xigbar seemed unimpressed until Prince Sora pouted and threw in a "pretty please?" in with the demand. The eye-patched knight smirked.

"Well, let's just say you're at one of the stages already."

Sir Zexion's eyes narrowed. "Mind telling us exactly what stage that is?"

Xigbar rocked back on his heels, hands on his hips in some sort of holier-than-thou pose - one day that would erect a statue to him in this town, but he shouldn't start posing for it now. "Well, lets just say one of you - or is that two of you - will get lucky by the time this story is over." He smirked and then turned his back, beginning to stride off in the opposite direction of the big, dark, terribly creepy-looking forest of DOOM. "I wish you all well. Please don't scare the trees with any of your…activities in here later on."

And then he was gone.

The four knights and one prince stared at the spot Xigbar had once stood, and then there was a moment of abject realization that this story was probably going to end with someone getting seriously laid. Handcuffs were optional, but the fangirls would indeed rejoice.

Prince Sora cleared his throat. "Well…uh…shall we continue?"

Sir Riku raised an eyebrow. "At the sake of our sanity?"

"Hey, we've made it this far! We might as well continue," Prince Sora noted with a pout, crossing his arms. "Besides, for all we know, this Xigbar character could have been fooling us and we won't suffer any side affects after finding the Yaoi Grail." He grinned brightly. "C'mon - do you want a little thing like, I don't know, hormonal fangirls stop us from legendary glory?"

"Yes."

"Riiiiku!"

"Oh, fine. But if and when we end up in a compromising situation…"

"Or position!" Sir Demyx added eagerly. Sir Riku rolled his eyes.

"…or position, don't tell me that I didn't warn you."

oOo

It is a truth universally acknowledged (mostly by women) that a single man in possession of the XY chromosomes must be lacking in common sense.

After all, after passing by the same tree five times within one hour, one would think that Sir Axel should have pulled over and asked for directions. Well, actually, Prince Roxas seemed to very much believe that this is what Sir Axel would do, and said so in no uncertain terms, and if lack of prompt continued, there would be physical abuse administered by the dual keyblades that Sir Axel had regretfully not noticed that the prince yielded until said keyblade met his skull in a rather painful fashion.

"We're lost, dammit! Just ask for directions."

"Do you want me to ask the tree, the squirrel, or the rock? Because I don't see any horse stations around here."

Prince Roxas just glared at his savior and kicked him in the shin. Sir Axel was very much considering dumping the spoiled prince right off in the middle of the forest and leaving him for the bears if he wasn't so worried that somehow, the ghost of the prince would haunt him for the rest of his life.

"I don't understand how you could come and rescue me and then get lost on the way back."

"Well, it does look a little bit different when you're riding back in the opposite direction."

"This is why they invented maps."

"Yeah, you could find them in the horse station right next to cigarettes…"

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

The horse thought they were both idiots, and harrumphed in annoyance.

Around two hours later, after passing the same tree only once more, Sir Axel, Prince Roxas, and the horse all came to a stop in front of Sir Barnes and Lord Noble Booksellers - at least, the traveling version of it. The man standing behind the cart of Old York Times Bestsellers and women's magazines looked slightly irritated at the lack of business he was receiving that day - after all, how many lost travelers happened upon this particular road back to the Country That Never Was?

"Get off the horse and ask him for directions," Prince Roxas hissed, giving Sir Axel a not-so-subtle shove in the direction of the man and his cart. Sir Axel raised an eyebrow.

"No way - he has dreadlocks. I don't mess with guys with dreadlocks."

"Fine, you big baby." The blond prince jumped off the horse, landing nimbly on the ground and approaching the disgruntled-looking bookseller. "Good morrow, sir."

The man - Xaldin, of course - narrowed his eyes. "What the hell is a morrow?"

Prince Roxas frowned. "It's a…never mind. Look, we're trying to find our way back to…" He paused, and then turned to stare suspiciously at Sir Axel, who was examining his nails. "Exactly where are we going anyway?"

"The Country That Never Was."

Prince Roxas stared. "…the hell is that?"

"Your new home, your Highness. Remember the whole fairy tale rules?"

Prince Roxas didn't even dignify that with an answer.

Xaldin watched the conversation with something akin to irritation before he cleared his throat. "Are you going to buy something or what?"

"No, we just need directions."

"Buy a map."

"I don't want a map. I want directions."

"Maps give directions. I don't give anything away for free."

"Just tell us which way to go!"

"You can stand here for all that I care. But you don't buy a map, you don't get directions."

"Oh, for the love of…" Sir Axel jumped off his horse, and walked over to the cart, throwing a handful of munny down on the counter. "Can we just have a map? Geez." Xaldin frowned, and then handed over a map of the area, which Prince Roxas grabbed and began to peer over in an attempt to make any sort of sense of their current location.

After a few moments, Prince Roxas muttered something that sounded anatomically impossible, and began to walk back to the horse. Sir Axel had picked up one of the magazines (one with an article that proclaimed "54 Sex Moves That'll Drive Him Crazy!") and was paging through it. Pausing when he realized the blond was no longer at the counter, he raised an eyebrow in the general direction of the horse. "Are we in a hurry, your Highness?"

"…do you want to stand here all day? Besides, the map says we're going to have to go through Disneyland first to get to your country that never was, so we need to get moving."

"You're going through Disneyland?" Xaldin asked with a raised eyebrow. "Tonight?"

Sir Axel frowned, trying to ponder why that place should sound so familiar. "Yeah. Why?"

"The princess there is giving a ball. Something about eligible men and falling in love and Oscar-nominated ballads…"

Prince Roxas was pretty sure that the day Sir Axel would look completely shocked was the day that hell would freeze over and penguins would proclaim leadership in Russia, insofar as Russia existed in this tale. So he only raised an eyebrow when Sir Axel's eyes widened and he dropped his magazine onto the counter.

Then he said some choice words that should never be repeated in a fairy tale ever.

The redheaded knight swung himself onto the horse, and spurred the annoyed animal into a gallop so quickly that Prince Roxas barely had enough to stuff the map into his pocket and wrap his arms around his savior's waist and hold on for dear life.

It was only when they were a good mile away from Xaldin's book cart and Prince Roxas's back was starting to hurt from the wild gallop that Sir Axel had spurred the slightly annoyed horse into that he asked what the hell was going on and where in the world were they going.

Sir Axel sighed. "Disneyland - that's where the princess that I was supposed to rescue lives."

"Oh." Prince Roxas considered this. "Well, it sounds like she's doing just fine…"

"She's cursed. Needs the kiss of true love before her sixteenth birthday tonight or she croaks…or something." Sir Axel rolled his eyes. "Sora was supposed to do it, but no, he had to go and find the stupid Yaoi Grail…"

Prince Roxas froze. "Sora?"

"Yah. Brown-haired, blue-eyed prince about the size of a horse jockey, heart of gold, crush on Sir Riku the size of Mount Olympus?"

"_Sora _went looking for the Yaoi Grail?"

Sir Axel frowned. "Do you know him or something?"

"_Know _him?" Prince Roxas grounded out. His blue eyes flashed. "He's my cousin."

Sir Axel blinked. Once. Twice. Thrice (nifty word there) for good measure. "Come again?" And it slowly began to register in his brain that the two really did look alike…same eyes, same pout, same height that would require help to reach tall cabinets…well, well, well. What a coincidence. He was really going to ask Sora about this one later.

"Sora is my cousin - and you're telling me he took _Riku_, as in the Riku who he's had a crush on since we were, like, in diapers, to find the Yaoi Grail?"

"Uh…yeah…"

"That idiot!" Prince Roxas fumed, and only glared more when Sir Axel pulled a strangely familiar looking object out his pocket. "Please tell me you're not serious. Please tell me that you have _not _had a cellphone - an item which shouldn't even exist yet - with you this entire time."

"I only use it in emergencies - my plan sucks."

Prince Roxas scowled, and Sir Axel rolled his eyes.

"Listen, I've got to call your cousin and tell him I rescued the wrong princess…er…prince, and gave the Kiss of True Love to the wrong person." He paused briefly. "Or the right person, if you actually think about it."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Because that girl turns sixteen at midnight tonight, and if we don't get to her in time, she's toast."

Prince Roxas frowned at this bit of information, and then nodded. "But you can't kiss her, so why…?" He trailed off, and then his eyes narrowed suspiciously at Sir Axel. "You want _me _to kiss her?"

"You, Sora, Riku…it doesn't matter. But one of you three has to, or she's dead. Or cursed. Or something."

"Oh, thanks."

And Prince Roxas was left wondering why the thought of kissing this unknown princess disturbed him more than he thought it should…

Somewhere, someone held a huge, blinking sign that said "SUBTEXT" over the fairy tale in question.

oOo

The wonderful thing about fairy godmother's credit cards is that they don't max out.

Which was why King Xemnas and "Queen" Saïx were confronted with a ridiculously decorated ballroom that night, complete with balloons, streamers, a bubble machine, and the crew from Cirque du Soleil hanging from the ceiling and doing really weird and disturbing things with their bodies.

Princess Kairi was gazing around the room with a look of triumphant on her face because the room was much fabulous-ness, if you asked her, and of course, someone would kiss her tonight and break the curse and all would be well and good and wonderful. Naminé was standing next to her, quietly frowning at the receipts in her hands and tapping her wand against the side of her billowy skirt. She was not looking forward to seeing the credit card bill when this was all over.

"Well, Father! Stepmother! What do you think?" Princess Kairi asked, twirling in the middle of the ballroom.

"I think it'll be a huge mess to clean up afterwards," the "queen" muttered distastefully as he glanced at the streamers that were plastered to the walls and the fog machine that already spewing up romantic fog and making the room look like the inside of a really bad horror movie. "I hope your fairy godmother has a spell for _that_."

"Oh, it'll be fine," Princess Kairi said, clasping her hands together. "But now, I must get ready for the ball tonight!" And with her entourage of birds and squirrels and deer and other woodland creatures, the princess swept from the room, leaving aforementioned fairy godmother and the king and queen in the midst of the prom-like setting.

"She'll have until midnight," Naminé said with a sigh, tucking the receipts in her wallet and putting it back into one of the folds of her dress. "Then the curse is placed upon her, and she's pretty much doomed. So I hope you guys have a back-up plan in case this falls through." And muttering to herself about interest rates and monthly fees, Naminé disappeared in a puff of white smoke and paper receipts.

King Xemnas and his "wife" shared looks. Finally, King Xemnas rubbed his temples wearily and sighed. "I'm not cleaning this up." And with that, he royally swept from the room, furry black cape and all.

Meanwhile, Lord Marluxia and Lady Larxene, who have been planning evil and derelict things that may or may not have been worse than sitting through the _Dancing With the Stars _results show, entered into the ballroom. Lady Larxene took one look around the room and immediately, a homicidal spark came into her eyes at the idea of having to spend more than two minutes in the pink, blue, and purple decorated room that screamed "OMGWTF it's a TEENAGE GIRL'S PARTY!"

Lord Marluxia stared blankly at the Cirque du Soleil acrobats and contortionists and winced. "This isn't some poorly-contrived foreshadowing of certain activities later in this story, is it?"

"God, I hope so," Lady Larxene muttered with a smirk. "All we have to do is set up video cameras in their rooms, and we'd be set for life."

"So, do you have the apples?" the "queen" murmured, clearing his throat.

Lord Marluxia nodded. "Grade-A poisoned. Did you ever figure out that entire loophole with Xemnas?"

"I'm sure a situation…will present itself."

"In other words, no."

"Well, you can go all Macbeth on him, if everything else fails," Lady Larxene suggested, only to be greeted by two glares. She rolled her eyes. "Oh, right. So not subtle at all. You boys are no fun."

Meanwhile, down the hall, up some stairs, past the pantry, left of Albuquerque, Princess Kairi had somehow, in two minutes flat, changed into a beautiful white gossamer ballgown with her red hair pulled into a sweeping mass of curls and ribbons and butterfly clips and other lots of pretty stuff that made her into a true princess, with the help of her woodland friends.

"Oh, you look so beautiful, Princess!"

"Of course you'll find your true love tonight!"

"And he'll take you to his castle in the sky!"

"And you'll live happily ever after!"

Princess Kairi beamed and twirled around. "My dreams will all come true tonight! Now, as long as he isn't ugly or old…or perverted…or…" She trailed off and tapped her finger against her chin thoughtfully. "Yes, we can't have that, now can we?"

And with a bright smile and beginnings of a song on the tip of her tongue, she burst from her room, and ran in excitement down the hallway, somehow managing not to trip over her dress in the process.

oOo

Somehow, Prince Sora suggested that the Yaoi Grail would have been…bigger.

Having received a much muffled phone call from Sir Axel only minutes before (and dreading the fact that now they really did have to gallop a few hours to Disneyland to save the princess, and especially dreading the fact that he was probably going to face his cousin's wrath if he happened to arrive there first), Prince Sora had relayed the message to his fellow knights. Sir Riku looked perplexed that Sir Axel had rescued and given the Kiss of True Love to Sora's cousin, Sir Demyx looked intrigued by the idea, Sir Zexion only looked slightly annoyed at having to ride a mad gallop back to Disneyland, and Sir Lexaeus muttered something along the lines of what had he gotten himself into?

Now, with the impending mad rush looming on him, Prince Sora stood in front of the wooden pedestal, staring at the fist-sized silver…okay, he wasn't quite sure what to call it. It looked pretty much like a giant ring…on a wooden pedestal. Frowning thoughtfully at whether the word "grail" was to be taken literally, he picked up the ring and turned to his three companions (Lexaeus had downright refused to even enter the base of the mountain, having decidedly been crept out by Xigbar's earlier warning).

"Alas, my good men. We have found the Yaoi Grail."

"You know, this almost seems too easy," Sir Riku said thoughtfully. "We weren't captured, we didn't have to go through any traps, and none of those fangirls are guarding this place. It's almost as if they _wanted _us to get the grail." Sir Demyx cocked his head to the side thoughtfully.

"Why would they want us to do that?"

Sir Zexion sighed, and crossed his arms. "They're all perverts, that's why."

"Ah, okay." Sir Demyx paused. "But shouldn't there at least be some sort of story of how we got here. Or…I don't know, a big hurray sign or something? At least a decrepit knight sitting off in a corner?" Sir Zexion rolled his eye, grabbed Sir Demyx by the elbow and began to drag him from the room, as Sir Demyx demanded to know why the hell it had been so damn easy.

Prince Sora sighed as he began to examine the silver grail. "We're going to have to go on another quest, you know. This one was a bit dull."

Sir Riku grinned at him. "Did you want to fight an army of fan girls?"

"Not really…" Prince Sora murmured, blushing. "So I guess we go save this princess now?" He frowned curiously at the grail - there were some small groves along the outside of it, as if someone had written on it. "Hey, Riku. I think there's writing on this." Tucking his hand in his sleeve, he began to wipe away at the writing, and began to read what was on the Grail.

Now, of course, would seem a good time to consult the Big Rule Book of Fairy Tales. 

In the seventh edition, second volume, chapter fourteen, page sixty-two, paragraph sixteen, it states, and the Narrator quotes: "Any magical talisman or sought-after objects of questionable use and practicality must always at first be checked for warning labels. In the case of items shaped as oil lamps or glass bottles, do not vigorously rub or read the incantation written on said aforementioned objects. Such actions may result in disaster or humorous situations."

There was also a footnote that said the Big Rule Book of Fairy Tales was not responsible for any property damage that may ensue after disregarding above directions.

The very microsecond that the brown-haired prince had stopped reading what was on the grail, a bright flash of light emitted from the mystical object of epic fanfictional proportions, filling the entire cave with light, nearly blinding Prince Sora and Sir Riku in the process.

Somewhere around the corner, a rather suspicious giggle could be heard.

Prince Sora yelped and dropped the grail, which clattered to the floor with a clang. As the light died down, and Prince Sora's retinas didn't burn anymore, he blinked in confusion and stared down at the troublesome little object.

"…the hell was that all about?" Sir Riku muttered, rubbing his eyes, reaching to pick up the item the same moment that Prince Sora did. Their fingers brushed, and then paused, both of their eyes moving from the ring and to stare into each other's…Prince Sora's mouth dropped open a little bit as the implications of what he had just done settled down onto him.

…oh…

…crapth…

oOo

"What's taking them so long?" Sir Lexaeus muttered, from where he stood outside, protecting the horses. Sure, his job was much of the sucketh, but he'd rather stand out here then go in there and end up getting engaged into some weird crazy…his mind didn't even want to comprehend it. Yes, guarding the horses and expecting them to answer his questions was a much better fate than what was inside the mountain.

He frowned as two of his fellow knights emerged from the mouth of the save. Sir Demyx looked considerably confused, while Sir Zexion looked slightly annoyed, muttering something about how he could have stayed at the bridge. Sir Lexaeus raised an eyebrow. "What happened?"

"Nothing."

"Oh." He paused. "And that's a bad thing?"

"Yes!" Sir Demyx whined. "What sort of story am I supposed to tell my great-great-grandchildren? I mean, okay, Great-Great-Granddad went on a quest to find a mystical holy item of epic proportions, only for him to be unhindered in getting it? No fire-breathing dragons, no killer rabbits, no evil Nazis. What the heck?"

Sir Zexion sighed. "Well, I'm glad nothing happened."

"Where are His Highness and Sir Riku?"

"They're right behind us…"

Three heads turned towards the entrance to the cave, waiting for the keyblade-wielding prince and his best friend to emerge. But sadly, obviously the entrance of the cave wasn't giving anything up. Sir Demyx frowned worriedly. "Uh…they were right behind us…"

"You don't think the fangirls got to them, do you?"

"Oh, that'd be bad, wouldn't it?"

"A bit of a problem, yes."

More silence.

"Well, why don't you go in there after them?"

"Hey, I'm not going in there if the fangirls are in there."

"But they could be captured or hurt or…doing the things that the fangirls want them to do."

More silence, this time punctured by a brief "oh, thanks for that mental image."

Of course, the argument turned out to be pointless, because a few moments later, Prince Sora and Sir Riku emerged from the cave looking no more worse for the wear. Sir Zexion raised an eyebrow at the pair as they joined the group - noticing that Prince Sora's hair was just a tad bit more disheveled than usual and that Sir Riku's cape was just slightly askew. "Are you two alright?"

"Um…yeah…"

"…sure…"

Sir Demyx grinned. "That's great! Now we can go home - with no story, but at least we're not at the whims of an yaoi fangirls."

Prince Sora and Sir Riku exchanged looks. Prince Sora chuckled nervously. "Yeah…about that…"

Sir Zexion and Sir Lexaeus both deadpanned, "_What _about that?"

"Well…remember how we have to go save the princess with that Kiss of True Love…?"

"Yes…?"

Sir Riku cleared his throat. "Um…we're probably going to need one of you all to actually do that bit…"

Dead silence.

Then Sir Demyx clapped his hand to his forehead and groaned. "Oh, _please _tell me you didn't…"

Prince Sora flushed. "Well, it was kind of an accident…there was a bright light…and then we both sort of picked up the grail at the same time…and…uh…then…stuff happened…"

Sir Lexaeus waved his hand. "Please spare us the details." He pulled the horses closer to the small group, and nodded his head towards them. "We have nine hours before midnight. We need to ride like hell to get to the Disney Castle on time." Shaking his head and again muttering about how he got pulled into these things, Sir Lexaeus mounted his horse, and the others followed suit.

Prince Sora shared a look with Sir Riku, and a small smile spread across his face.

"Okay, then. Let's ride!"

oOo

Author's Note 

(16 Mar 08): So obviously, this isn't the last chapter. As it turned out, it was getting way too long (as it stands, this is the longest chapter so far). So there's one more chapter to go, with the big ball! Will Kairi be saved? Who will she be saved by? Will any of the knights make to her on time? Will Queen Saïx get to rule once he Macbeths his husband?

Oh, a word about the Axel's Kiss of True Love - remember that Roxas was still sleeping when he got kissed, so technically, Roxas hasn't given anyone his Kiss. Which makes him still eligible to save Kairi.

Okay…yeah. My brain hurts.

Night, y'all.

- Nashie


	5. The One Where the Happy Ending Happens

****

Not Quite a Fairy Tale (But Pretty Darn Close)

__

By Samurai-Nashie

Disclaimer: Insert appropriate disclaimer here.

oOo

The ball was actually quite extraordinary.

As it turned out, Princess Kairi was popular with more than just your run-of-the mill rabbit or deer. Princes and princesses, dukes and duchesses, lords and ladies of all ages from across the land who had heard of the poor princess's plight had journeyed across the great fields of whatever and crossed the tranquil rivers leading to somewhere to attend the ball. And it was a very glamorous and star-studded event, so much so that King Xemnas and "Queen" Saïx decided to take Dame Joan Rivers from her crypt so she could comment on the various fashion faux pas of the evening.

And it was much coolness.

However, Princess Kairi herself did not seem to be enjoying herself. She had taken to the balcony to overlook the moon that hung fat and low in the star-dotted night sky. A few sparrows sat near her left elbow as Princess Kairi sighed. "Oh, the night keeps moving along, and I still have not found my one true love!"

"Oh, don't worry, Princess!"

"I'm sure he'll be here, Princess!"

"How could anyone resist you?"

Princess Kairi only smiled, cupping her hand in her chin. "But must he keep me waiting so? I do wish for him to hurry up. After all, I only have thirty minutes left before the curse befalls me. And whatever shall I do then?"

The sparrows only twittered amongst themselves worriedly.

At that moment, in a magical swirl of sparkly pixie dust and pretty silvery air and annoying credit card receipts, did Kairi's fairy godmother once again appear with a rather explosive sneeze. Shaking glitter out of her hair again (and nearly knocking one of the poor sparrows from its perch with her magic wand), Naminé gave Kairi a long-suffering look. "Princess Kairi, what are you doing out here?"

"Oh, only enjoying the beauty of the night."

"Why aren't you in there flirting?" Naminé gestured in the direction of the ballroom where someone was singing about something to do with bananas. Naminé wasn't quite sure she wanted to know what a hollaback girl was and why it had anything to do with a fruit, but decided that she was very glad it wasn't in her contract to actually appear at the party.

Princess Kairi frowned. "Well, I can't do that. My prince should be my one-and-only, my soul mate, my heart's desire…"

"Listen, Kairi," Naminé murmured sternly, taking her by the elbow and guiding her back towards the door. "Fairy tales are wonderful and everything, and I'm sure princes in shining armor that will take you to their castles-in-the-sky are even better, but you're in a bit of a life or death situation here. Honestly, you need to stop pining and start smooching."

Princess Kairi gasped. "To give someone else my Kiss of True Love?"

"Well, why not?"

"That's not how it works!"

"Again - why not?"

"Because…because…" Princess Kairi paused thoughtfully. "Actually, I'm not quite sure. But if a spell can be reversed that easily, it's not a very good spell, is it? I have to be the one to receive the kiss, not give it."

"Oh…well, I suppose," Naminé said uncertainly. "But seeing as you only have a half-hour left…"

Princess Kairi frowned. "Yes, that _does _present a problem, doesn't it?"

As the two girls contemplated Princess Kairi's future (or lack of one), a very intriguing event was occurring near the front gates to the palace - it seemed as if quite a few bachelors had descended on the fair land of Disney like locusts, and were currently intrigued by the number of paparazzi hanging out outside the palace gates.

"Is that Dame Rivers?" Sir Demyx murmured with a frown. "I thought they only let her out of her crypt every two hundred years." The antediluvian woman glared in his general direction - Sir Demy 'eeped' and hid behind an unamused Sir Zexion. "Geez, she's scary."

"Why are you hiding behind me?"

"Five-thousand year old woman. Shooting visual daggers at me. Terrified for my life."

"…Demyx, you're a _knight_. What happened to chivalry and bravery and noble acts of courage?"

"Zexion, have you even seen _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_?"

"What are you talking about?" Sir Zexion seemed greatly annoyed by this point.

"And Sora knighted us, so I don't think it even counts."

"Demyx…_please _shut up."

"I mean, I know he means well and everything, but he kind of got us into this predicament, if he and Riku actually did do what I think they did - which, you know, is completely and totally non-romantic in my book, and I _really _thought it took longer than three minutes - and now we have to save the Princess…actually, that might be kind of cool, but it sucks because we know nothing about her and that might end up being really awkward if she's an axe-murder…or something…"

By this point of Sir Demyx's rant, Sir Zexion looked ready to give the blond former lord a smackdown, and Prince Sora and Sir Riku were glaring daggers in Sir Demyx's general direction. Sir Lexaeus chose to ignore all of them, and went towards the two guards at the gate to announce themselves.

The guard only raised an eyebrow at the quintet of knights and sighed, ushering them in. "You won't be any worse than the last bunch. The cast of _The Fields _just came, and Lady Montague and Lord Prattington are already making evil eyes at the Duchess Conrath…"

Sir Lexaeus only shook his head, and continued into the palace, gesturing for the four young men behind him to do the same. With much bickering and glaring, they did.

Dame Rivers cackled in victory.

oOo

In every fairy tale or movie musical, there comes a time when the overly-sentimental ballad will be played, later to be nominated for five thousand Academy Awards, and become a staple of pop culture. The ballad itself is always preceded by a change of mood, someone appearing at the top of a grand staircase, and all previous action coming to a halt as dozens of eyes peer up towards the grand staircase. It is the most overdone entrance sequence in the history of overdone entrance sequences, but somehow, it never gets old.

Which is why, at precisely 11:47:09, the previous song about finding the oft-missing sexy slowly faded away, the lights all dimmed down to a mystical blurple, and a shining bright spotlight lit up the top of the grand staircase where Prince Sora and his entourage were currently squabbling with one another.

Prince Sora blinked against the sudden blinding light. "Ow…what's going on?"

"…the hell?" Sir Zexion murmured, bringing up his arm to shield his eyes from the light.

Somewhere over in the corner, the orchestra was primping itself for the inevitable waltz that was coming up.

Princess Kairi, who had been rather forcefully pushed back into ballroom by her ever-so-helpful godmother, turned melodramatically at the dimming of the lights, her white gossamer skirt twirling as she did so. Her eyes widened as she caught sight of, not one, but five potential bachelors standing at the top of the stairs. Glancing at the clock hanging from a nearby wall, and muttering darkly about princes that didn't seem rich enough to buy Rolexes, she fluttered to the base of the stairs.

Prince Sora winced. "I think I'm blind."

Sir Riku peered down at the crowd. "I think there are stairs in front of us…can't really tell."

Sir Demyx took one look at the gaping pit of royal teenagers at the base of the stairs (and a girl wearing what looked like a cloud), and then at the hazardous descent of the stairs. Then he eyeballed the banister just a few feet to his right. "Oh, screw dignity. Clichéd teen movie entrance, here I come." And with a grin, he hopped onto the banister, and slid all the way down (much to the slow, appreciated applause of aforementioned teen royalty).

With a thump, he landed on the dance floor below…only to be grabbed by the collar seconds later by an impatient Kairi, who cued the musicians to hurry up and start the ballad.

At the top of the stairs, the spotlight faded away, and Prince Sora rubbed his eyes blearily. "What the heck was that all about?"

"No clue. Though it looks like Demyx found the princess."

"How can you tell which one is here?"

"The entire dance floor parted just for them."

"Ah - we're really venturing into cliché romantic film territory now, aren't we?"

"Yup."

Meanwhile, a young man of swanky good looks and currently unknown to the Billboard Top 20 stepped in front of an old-school microphone, adjusted his tie, and immediately began singing. The lights dimmed to a silvery-pinkish-blurple complete with the completely historically inaccurate disco ball that slowly lowered from the ceiling.

Somewhere, across the mountains and fields and ocean and etc., a movie critic screamed in frustrated annoyance.

__

Tonight belongs to us, just you and I

And whatever tomorrow will bring

I know it's perfect, being here to try

A new feeling in this song that I sing

"Hey, I didn't know everyone in here was a professionally-trained ballroom dancer," Prince Sora gaped in amazement. Sir Riku rolled his eyes, and muttered something that negated that statement.

__

I'll hold your hand, my heart you can keep

Sway with the music and hold on

For every breath I'll treasure, held so deep

Though by the morning we'll both be gone

"Is it me or is this a somewhat decently-written pop ballad?" Sir Lexaeus grumbled lightly.

"It's trite with overdone chords and pointlessly sappy lyrics," replied Sir Zexion, the killjoy. He crossed his arms and frowned as Princess Kairi and Sir Demyx waltzed across the dance floor. Annoyed for some reason, he shifted his gaze over to where the king and queen sat. Raising his eyebrow at the odd couple, he noticed that King Xemnas looked strangely dead, but his queen…well, the blue-haired man looked anything but pleased at the dancing couple. He watched, vaguely interested now, as the queen gestured off to his right, drawing two people from the darkness, one a dashingly-dressed (pink?)-haired man, the other a smirking blonde woman.

A few gestures in the direction of the dancing couple, and then the man and woman were gone.

__

That's probably not good,

Sir Zexion mused to himself as the queen got to his feet, murmured something to his…ah…husband (who still looked strangely dead), and then headed in the direction the man and woman had disappeared. Since this was not the full-version of the ballad (which would be sold on iTuneth, only with the purchase of the full album), the sound was already winding to an end, and Princess Kairi was leaning upwards for a kiss…

…only to be stopped as Lady Larxene pulled her way.

"What in the…!?" the princess yelped, as the speakers began to blare with a song about rejoicing over the return of a boy band. "Lady Larxene! I was just about to get kissed! I only have twenty-three minutes left before the curse falls on me!"

Lady Larxene glared in her direction, pulling the unhappy princess towards a quiet corner, and sitting her down in an aptly-placed chaise lounge where her husband was already standing. "I would have thought your father raised you with better morals than that. You don't randomly kiss strange young men in the middle of a crowded dance floor just because everyone else does."

Princess Kairi stared at her. "Wait a second - it was _his _idea in the first place!"

Lord Marluxia waved his hand dismissively. "That's besides the point. Besides, if the young man is truly interested, he will try to kiss you before midnight anyway. I want to talk to him first."

"I thought I was going to talk to him," Lady Larxene pointed out.

"No, _you _were going to try to castrate him," Lord Marluxia replied, before removing a rose from the lap of his suit and handing it to Princess Kairi. "To keep you occupied, Princess." And with that, he and Lady Larxene walked away, while Princess Kairi stared blankly at the flower, wondering what the hell she was supposed to do with it.

Muttering darkly about what a perfectly terrible evening this was turning out to be, she did not noticed that "Queen" Saïx was approaching her with a big, red Grade-A poisoned apple.

So she yelped and nearly dropped the rose when her "stepmother" sat down beside her, and wordlessly handed her the apple. Princess Kairi blinked at the fruit that now sat on her lap, and then at her "stepmother", frowning. "What is this for?"

"An apple that will remove the curse."

Princess Kairi stared at him. "Seriously?"

"Biting the apple won't leave you in any worse predicament than if you don't bite it. Besides, you won't have to kiss a complete stranger this way."

Princess Kairi stared down at the apple, which was so ridiculously shiny that she could see her features in it. "Oh, well, if you put it that way…but don't you want to see me happy with my one true love?" Her "stepmother" refrained from stuffing the apple into his stepdaughter's mouth, and instead, stiffly raised one shoulder in a half-hearted shrug.

"It matters to me not."

"Oh…" Princess Kairi stared at the apple. "Well, then…I suppose it only takes one bite?"

"That's it."

"Hmmm…and it'll remove the curse."

"It will."

"And I won't have to kiss anyone before midnight."

"Queen" Saïx gritted his teeth and glared in the general direction of the dance floor. "Just eat it."

Princess Kairi smiled, and, cupping the hand around the apple, raised the fruit to her lips to take a bite…

…only to be stopped once again in her endeavors by a keyblade embedding itself into the wall, just inches next her head.

The apple fell to the ground from Princess Kairi's nerveless hands, and she gazed to the side to see an intricate black keyblade separating her from her (extremely peeved) "stepmother".

"What do you think you're doing?" the queen muttered to the hooded figure holding the keyblade. All eyes in the room had turned towards their location, and a murmur immediately began to spread across the room. The cloaked figure removed the keyblade from the wall, and in one fluid motion, raised his hand to let back his hood.

"I remember you," Prince Roxas said darkly, gesturing to the fallen apple with his keyblade. "A doctor can't exactly help you if you're in a spell-induced coma."

"Queen" Saïx looked very much displeased at finding his guinea pig very much awake, and very much pissed off, standing in front of him. "You receive my congratulations then for escaping that. But I have no idea what you're talking about."

"You tried to kill me!" Prince Roxas fumed.

"I really don't know who you are."

"Roxas!"

The blond prince spun around, and glared at the owner of the voice, who had just arrived with his entourage. "I swear, Sora, couldn't you have gotten here a little earlier?"

"What are you talking about?" the keybearing prince grumbled, crossing his arms. "I got here _before _you."

"You could have gotten here earlier if you hadn't gone traipsing about the country looking for fanfic relics!"

"Well, I'm here now, aren't I?"

"We have, like, four minutes before she dies!"

Someone cleared their throat, and two pairs of very similar blue eyes turned to glare at Sir Axel, who was casually leaning against a nearby wall. "Gentlemen, I think we need to return to the _deus ex machina _situation at hand. Remember - curse, apple, conspicuously-guilty stepmother?"

Princes Sora and Roxas exchanged a look that obviously said that the conversation would be continued later (with probably much yelling and threats of hiding of hair gel) before turning their attention back to the blue-haired queen. Prince Sora summoned his Ultimate Keyblade, and both of the princes leveled their weapons at the queen. "Speak now, or forever hold your peace, your Majesty," Prince Sora said (his cousin rolled his eyes). "Where's King Xemnas?"

"I took Lady Larxene's advice." "Queen" Saïx narrowed his eyes and rose his feet, effectively dwarfing the two princes. (_So_, Sir Zexion thought, _I was right_.) "What exactly do you plan on doing?"

"I think they're going to lay the smackdown on you…" Sir Axel noted blandly.

And they probably would have done that a very furious "DAMMIT" hadn't interrupted everybody. All eyes turned to where Princess Kairi was now standing, tightly gripping the poisoned apple in her hand, and glaring furiously at all present.

"Does _nobody _want to save me!?" she demanded angrily. "Am I that bad of a person that you guys are going to go into your big manly fight and leave me to swoon helplessly over here at the brink of death? My stepmother is trying to _kill _me, I have, like, _THREE _minutes before I'm cursed to hell and back, and _THIS _is the moment you all want to have a fangasm-esque FMV fight!? I don't think so!"

The eight guys in front of her blinked.

"Queen" Saïx nodded. "You are absolutely right, Kairi." And in one fluid motion, he rose to his feet, grabbed the apple out of her hand, and stuffed it in her mouth.

Well…at least attempted to.

He failed to realize that Princess Kairi was in full royally-pissed mode, and any attempts made to piss her off even more would only be detrimental to that person's health. Which was why Princess Kairi ducked from the apple and smacked her "stepmother's" hand away in anger and kneed him in the stomach, sending the apple flying through the air…only to be easily caught by Lady Larxene, who peered at the apple curiously. "Strange turn of events, hmm?"

A ridiculously familiar tune began to play from somewhere in the orchestra.

Sir Demyx recognized it immediately and smacked his forehead in annoyance. "Oh, please no…"

Prince Roxas blinked. "What?"

"That's the theme from…"

Too late.

"O Fortuna" already began playing.

Immediately, everyone (except the evil, scheming people, of course) clapped their hands over their ears and fell to their knees in agony.

"No, not this!" Prince Sora exclaimed, his face twisted in pain. "Not the most overplayed climatic scene music ever!"

"I think the orchestra's under a spell…" ground out Sir Zexion, glaring in the general direction of the orchestra. "Someone has to stop them…"

"Queen" Saïx frowned thoughtfully. "I wasn't sure if the music would have that much an affect on you, but I suppose this is a pleasant surprise. It will make killing all of you off that much easier." And with an awesomely cool, extravagant move, his claymore appeared in his hand in a flash of silvery light. Behind the group, Lord Marluxia's scythe and Lady Larxene's kunai appeared to their respective owners.

The orchestra kicked it up a notch, and somewhere outside, the weather, as is the staple of fairy tales, took a drastic turn for the worse as a thunderstorm suddenly began to pelt the castle. Lightning lit up the room and thunder rocked the castle with its terrible immensity.

And it was much coolness.

Then the smackdown was _on_.

The queen decided to lay to waste the two princes and the princess that were closest to him, and with a swing of his claymore, sent the three youths flying: Prince Sora and Princess Kairi in one direction, and Prince Roxas in the other, tumbling directly into Sir Axel, who unfortunately, broke his fall, sending both of them colliding into the ground.

"Why am I always saving your…" Sir Axel grumbled into the armful of blond prince that had just been unceremoniously dumped onto him. Prince Roxas glared at him through the hazy pain, and effectively shut him up.

On the other side of the room, Princess Kairi's poofy dress provided enough cushioning for both her and the brown-haired prince, and they both landed with muffled "oomphs" near the orchestra.

Meanwhile, the rest of the gang was finding it very hard to avoid both the receiving end of scythe and numerous pointy knives at the same time while being subjected to ridiculously unoriginal music playing in the background. Sir Riku managed to roll out of the way just before Lord Marluxia managed to decapitate him, only to find himself pinned to the ground by one of the knives Lady Larxene threw.

"Aw, hell…"

Lady Larxene grinned. "Ooh, a live target. That's fun."

"Screw that," Sir Riku muttered, ignoring his pounding headache, and with a sweep of his leg, send Lady Larxene to the ground. "Will someone please shut the orchestra up?"

"That wasn't too kind…" Lady Larxene murmured, slowly sitting up, and taking aim, threw a knife directly at Sir Riku's chest.

Of course, since this is all family fare, the knife disappeared in a poof of silvery glitter before it even reached the knight. The knife that pinned Sir Riku's sleeve to the floor also disappeared in a similar fashion. The young knight frowned, and looked up, finding himself staring up at a face surrounded by a wealth of pale blonde hair, a face that currently looked somewhat annoyed.

"You know, I'm only supposed to be the fairy godmother for one of the characters," Naminé noted with a sigh. Helping Sir Riku to his feet, she waved her magic wand and suddenly, it was snowing. Sir Riku stared blankly at the white witch-in-another-life with a raised eyebrow. "It worked for Glinda, okay?"

And in the background, the spelled orchestra slowly began to cease their hackneyed "oh noes!!1!!1ONE!1!" music.

"Queen" Saïx was much displeased.

He was even more displeased when Sir Lexaeus stomped over to him, muttered something about rocks falling and everyone dying, and effectively engaged him in a battle of claymore versus sword. (On a side note, Sir Lexaeus found it quite unfair that the queen, Lord Marluxia, Lady Larxene, and Prince Roxas all got to keep their weapons from the canon universe and he was stuck wielding a medieval sword).

"You think you can defeat me?" the blue-haired queen demanded, and the larger man grunted in response.

And then there was a much spectacular sword fight that followed.

It was five kinds of awesome.

oOo

Naminé's brief stint into meteorologist territory had left the ballroom floor extremely slippery, making any sort of battle ridiculously dangerous. After having decided that snow is the worst possible weather element known to mankind, Sir Demyx had resorted to throwing snowballs at Lord Marluxia's head from his place behind the grand piano.

Lord Marluxia was not very amused.

"Can't you make it dry?" Sir Demyx demanded as a flash of rose-colored energy flew overhead. "Or at least conjure up a weapon for me? Like a .357 Magnum?"

Naminé stared blankly at the blond knight. "Excuse me? A little violent there, aren't we?"

Another surge of energy goes soaring over Sir Demyx's head. "Anything is better than nothing, right now!"

Naminé tapped her wand thoughtfully against her chin. "I need to ask for a raise for this. Okay…" She waved her star-studded wand in the air, and suddenly Sir Demyx found himself grappling with an armful of sitar.

"What the…? _What _am I supposed to do with this? Accompany him to death!?"

"It's canon! Break the fourth-wall and use it."

Bits of plaster came raining down on Sir Demyx's head, and he ducked back underneath the piano, grumbling the entire time about going to India and _Moulin Rouge_.

While Sir Demyx struggled to actually sit the giant device up, something _heavy _collided with the back of Lord Marluxia's head and he collapsed on the ground, unconscious. The two blondes both blinked, looking from the crumpled lord, to Sir Zexion, who was standing next to Lord Marluxia looking quite pleased with himself.

He was holding a book.

Quirking an eyebrow up at their slack-jawed looks, Sir Zexion simply said, "This is canon too."

oOo

The depressing thing about big battle scenes in fairy tales is that, basically, the reader already knows how they are going to end. When it almost looks like our heroes will be defeated and destroyed and maimed and mauled into unrecognizable mulch, Gandolf comes riding over the mountain with the cavalry, and there is much rejoicing.

Or something like that.

Sadly, the Narrator will consult with the latest edition of the Big Rule Book of Fairy Tales, which states in a footnote: "While most ending battle sequences result in the victory of the protagonists, the cynical society of the modern world wants to believe that no battle is won without consequence. In such a case, it is necessary for the journey of one of the protagonists to come to a heroic, bloody end, most often the most beloved (and one of the most handsome) characters, which will cause much bereavement and flames written towards the production company. For examples, please refer to this edition's first volume, Chapter Forty-Three, under the subheadings 2007's _I am Legend_, 2004's _King Arthur _and _Power Rangers Operation Overdrive_.)"

As the reader contemplates this, the Narrator will return to the battle already in progress.

Sir Lexaeus was discovering that the queen was a lot stronger than he looked. Or maybe it had something to do with the fact that "Queen" Saïx was wielding a weapon that was around ten times heavier or far more threatening than the sword he was holding. He ducked once again as the claymore attempted to separate his head from his body - an action that Sir Lexaeus did not exactly look forward to explaining to his fellow knights.

Fortunately for him, Sir Riku, Prince Roxas, and Sir Axel finally decided to join in the fight. "Where's Prince Sora?"

"Dealing with a post-feminist Princess," Sir Axel noted dryly, pointing in the general direction of where the unfortunate Prince seemed to be at the receiving end of a very pissed off Princess Kairi's agitation. "Smart girl - she picks when the two henchman are taken out to yell at Sora. Good move."

Something was drastically wrong with that statement, but Sir Riku couldn't for the life of him figure out what. Shrugging, he summoned his own keyblade from an interdimensional pocket and leveled it at the queen. "It's time we finish this once and for all." Another keyblade appeared in Prince Roxas' right hand and the flames begin to appear around Sir Axel.

This would be the part in the story where the evil stepmother changes into a dragon, only to be heroically dispatched by the hero. Unfortunately, berserker Saïx is much scarier than any old dragon, and can probably do twice as much damage, so, for creativity's sake, lets skip the whole "I r dragon" bit and let the queen do his stuff.

The resulting explosion as "Queen" Saïx planted his claymore in the ground finally got Prince Sora and Princess Kairi's attention. Princess Kairi, frustrated over the super-macho "lets save the day" mode the boys had fallen into that had totally wrecked her party, snatched Prince Sora's keyblade and stomped over to her stepmother, sheer annoyance flaring in her eyes. Prince Sora yelped and followed the irate redhead, trying to make a grab for his weapon.

At that moment, quite a few things happened.

The previous explosion sent the poisoned apple that had fallen to the ground earlier flying through the air again.

Sir Riku remembered belatedly that Lady Larxene had held the apple…and that she wasn't quite as out for the count as he first believed.

Princess Kairi swung the keyblade firmly into the claymore just as Prince Roxas managed a hit into the queen's side.

Then everything went "BOOMPH".

And the apple exploded…right in front of Sir Axel's face.

He managed the first part of "oh, sh-" before the world went black.

oOo

Prince Sora felt as if someone had removed his spleen. Painfully. With a pair of tweezers.

He sat up groggily, and looked around the much decimated ballroom. The rest of guests who hadn't fled during the battle were beginning to wake up, rubbing their eyes or their heads from the resulting explosion of light. Grumbling about never messing with overly emotional princesses again, he frowned as he peered down at an eyeful of poofy white princess dress. And the familiar redhead who was currently sitting in the middle of the poofiness, looking disheveled.

"Um…can I have that back?" Prince Sora asked, gesturing towards the keyblade Princess Kairi still had gripped in her hands. The princess blinked, and then frowned, handing the weapon back with a considerable look of distaste on her face. "You handled that…actually, rather well."

"Thanks," the princess murmured, slowly getting to her feet, and gazing around the smoky ballroom. "This is going to take forever to clean."

"Tell me about it," Prince Sora murmured with a low whistle. "But hey, it looks like you managed to vanquish your stepmother. Good job."

"Oh, don't patronize me," Princess Kairi said, heads on her hips. "That was actually kind of fun, if you get over the fact that he was trying to kill me. At least I know I'm not cursed." She pointed to the clock. "It's 12:13, and I'm not dead!"

"That's always a good thing."

"Yup."

The prince and princess shared grins before they began making their way through the debris to look for the others. A similarly poofy white dress brought them to Naminé , who was actually sitting quite serenely next to Sir Demyx and Sir Zexion. Well, actually she was sitting by them, because she was sitting on top of Lord Marluxia, effectively pinning the unconscious man to the floor. Naminé smiled at the two of them. "Well, that was unexpected, Princess."

Princess Kairi shrugged. "The post-feminist fairy tale? You obviously haven't see _The Princess Diaries_."

"Girl power, hmm?"

"Because boys are stupid," Princess Kairi, smiling at Prince Sora who made a face at the comment. She then kneeled next to Sir Demyx and Sir Zexion. "What's up with these two?""

"Currently unconscious, thanks to the nice big boom at the end," Naminé explained. "I'm just waiting for them to wake up so they can confess their unconditional love for one another, and kiss and hug and all those wonderful things."

Prince Sora scratched his head. "Why would they do that?"

"Someone has to do it, and since you've all come within ten feet of the Yaoi Grail…well, it's a given," Naminé replied with a small smile. "And besides, Xigbar told me that you all already answered the questions to the Yaoi State of Affairs. Someone has to get lucky by the time this story is over."

"Wait - you know Xigbar? Would you please tell me what was up with those three questions?"

"All magical creatures know each other, Sora. That's sort of a given, if you've seen _Shrek_. But the questions were meant to psych you out. The first question took you off guard, the second question was a little confusion but you were more into it, and the third question most people usually argue vehemently about."

Prince Sora blinked. "Okay…but what does that have to do with…?"

Naminé giggled, and folded her hands in her lap. "The first question determines the kiss. The second question determines the relationship. The third question determines the…um…other activities. It's not the answer itself that matters, but the way you answer the question."

Princess Kairi tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Naminé , you said the Yaoi State of Affairs…what were their answers…?" The blonde girl smiled.

"Cerulean, Wolverine after a minor disagreement, and an assortment of different answers." Naminé gave her goddaughter a small smile. "Demyx and Riku were very…_decisive _with their answers."

Princess Kairi's eyes lit up, and she grinned in Prince Sora's direction. Prince Sora slowly backed away. Fangirls were scary. He turned around and then headed back to the source of the explosion, haphazardly tripping over and then onto Sir Riku as he attempted to do so. "Ouch!"

"Ow, I think those are my ribs," Sir Riku muttered painfully from where a lapful of Prince Sora had settled on him. "Get off, Sora. You're heavy."

Prince Sora complied and then looked over at his friend. "You okay?"

"A few broken ribs, a minor concussion, and a punctured lung…probably nothing major," Sir Riku muttered, glaring at the Prince. "You?"

"I love it when you're cheerful."

"Mmm-hmmm…"

Prince Sora sat back on his haunches and then frowned worriedly down at the silver-haired knight. "Riku…you know how we nearly killed ourselves trying to _avoid _doing anything in the cave earlier…" Sir Riku raised an eyebrow at that. "Well, since the battle's over and the princess is safe and sound, I think I'm really going to have to be clichéd and give you an after-the-battle kiss."

Sir Riku didn't argue with that logic at all.

It wasn't until someone cleared their throat from a few meters away that the two boys broke from their liplock and turned to face Sir Lexaeus, who was sitting cross-legged across from the them, glaring at them. Prince Sora blushed. "Uh…hey, Lexaeus…"

Sir Lexaeus raised an eyebrow. "Nothing happened in the cave, hmm? You two just knew that if either one of you attempted to give the princess the kiss of true love, it wouldn't work. Or did you just want to save it for each other?" Prince Sora and Sir Riku shared guilty looks. "Thought so. You two are strange, demented creatures."

Sir Riku snorted, and Prince Sora would have argued the point if someone hadn't called for help across the smoky ballroom. The prince and two knights shared looks - it was Prince Roxas. Prince Sora leapt to his feet and dashed across the room, following his cousin's voice to an area near the chaise lounge in the back. He slowed down as he neared - his blond cousin was shaking Sir Axel, who didn't appear to be reacting to anything he was doing at all.

And across the universe, the readers all recalled the stupid footnote from the Big Rule Book of Fairy Tales.

Damn.

"He's not waking up," Prince Roxas murmured, sounding rather upset by the fact. "I don't know what happened."

Prince Sora, Sir Riku, and Sir Lexaeus exchanged distressed looks.

"Idiot - the poisoned apple exploded right in front of his face."

Three heads swiveled to where Lady Larxene was sitting against the wall. Prince Sora and Sir Riku immediately drew their weapons, but Lady Larxene rolled her eyes. "Please. Does it look like I'm in any condition to fight you? I may be sadistic and homicidal, but I'm not stupid."

Prince Roxas narrowed his eyes at her. "Are you tell me Axel's dead?"

"I'm telling you the apple - the poisoned apple - exploded in front of his face. Yes, I do recall saying that."

Sir Riku frowned. "How do we wake him up?"

"Gee, why don't you buy him an alarm clock?"

The look Prince Roxas gave her would have probably scared little children, small animals, large carnivores, and Sir the Rock, but Lady Larxene only raised an eyebrow and went back to ignoring all three of the, examining her nails in a bored manner. "That's all I'm saying on that. Figure it out on your own."

Prince Roxas frowned, and then bit his bottom lip.

"The kiss of true love, dummy," Princess Kairi called from behind him. She approached the group, lifting her skirts to step over the debris, and clocked Prince Roxas on the back of the head. "I'll do it. Naminé said he only got lost trying to come find me, so I can at least return the favor. I guess." She sighed dramatically, and then leaned over to kiss the other redhead.

Prince Roxas beat her to it.

You all saw that coming, though.

For a few moments, it didn't seem it had worked, and everyone held their breaths…until Sir Axel opened his eyes and found his face only inches from the Prince Roxas'. "Hey."

"Hey."

"Did you just…?"

"Yeah."

"Because I was…?"

"Uh-huh."

"Does that mean…?"

"Yup."

"Damn."

"Hey look, they're already finishing each other sentences," Princess Kairi remarked with a raised eyebrow. Prince Roxas glared at her, and then spoiled the mood by punching Sir Axel in the shoulder. The redhead yelped.

"What was that for?"

"For dying, you jerk."

"Believe me, it wasn't my intention to die."

"Whatever."

The disco ball came crashing down.

And all's well that end's well, as they say.

oOo

Around a week later, after the ballroom had been cleaned up and the right lawyers had been hired for Lord Marluxia and Lady Larxene (who had grinned and said she was pleading insanity - the others didn't doubt her) and another episode of _The Fields _had been aired, our group of heroes was standing around the gates of the castle, bidding farewell to one another. Because what's a fairy tale without a big group good-bye hug at the end? (Actually, it was either that or a drunken party, but since most of the characters are under the age of twenty-one and there were no Ewoks around, they had to settle for this).

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Naminé asked Princess Kairi, who was wearing a traveling outfit, a knapsack slung across the back of her horse. The fairy godmother was sitting behind Sir Demyx on his horse, having cheerful agreed to follow Sir Demyx and Sir Zexion back to their village to play matchmaker. "I mean…going off to check out the Shipping Wars? Suicidal, don't you think?"

"It'll be more fun than sitting on a throne, talking to mice all day," the redhead said, winking at Sir Lexaeus. "Besides, I'm sure Lexaeus will take care of Disneyland while I'm gone. Just don't increase taxes or anything. The townsfolk might have a revolution and end up like France."

Sir Lexaeus would have said something about the competency of France, but refrained from doing so and merely nodded.

Prince Sora and Sir Riku exchanged looks. Sir Riku sighed, and scratched the back of his head. "So…having a female knight…is sort of untraditional."

Princess Kairi glared at him. "Got a problem with it?"

"No, ma'am."

"Good."

Prince Sora grinned at his best friend, and then glanced over at Sir Axel and Prince Roxas. "You guys have a safe trip back. Axel, take care of my cousin - he's a handful." Sir Axel only smirked, resulting in him getting punched in the arm from the blonde prince as his horse trotted past. "Roxas, you be good. Don't do anything I wouldn't do with Riku."

"Ha," Prince Roxas smirked, rolling his eyes. "Of course not. Axel's in for much worse."

Somewhere, in the distant realms of the KH fandom, a smutty AkuRoku fanfic was born.

Sir Demyx turned to wave at the group. "Hey, remember, Sora. You want to go on anymore quests, you know where to find me and Zexion. And probably Naminé too." The blonde fairy godmother only dimpled and kicked the other blond in the shin. Sir Demyx winced. "Yeah, don't be a stranger."

Sir Zexion rolled his eyes, nodding his head in the direction of his comrades before taking off down the road. Sir Demyx rolled his eyes. "He's really got to learn to open his mouth more." As he rode off, the rest of the group only faintly heard Naminé 's reply:

"Yes, we really have to work on that with him, don't we?"

Somewhere, in the distant realms of KH fandom, an OT3 was born.

"The Narrator is just setting herself up for a bunch of smutty sequels, isn't she?" Sir Riku mumbled. "How classically fairy tale-like."

Prince Sora grinned. "A fairy tale is what we make of it. We can create our own happy endings if we want too." Princess Kairi rolled her eyes at the advice, and Prince Sora laughed. "C'mon, who needs a rulebook when people like us are the princes, and the damsels-in-distress - yes, that means both of you, Axel and Roxas, and the quests we go on involve fanfic relics?"

"Touché ," Sir Axel said with a shrug. "You guys travel safe, though. And like Demyx said, just give us a call if you decide to go hunting any more fanfic relics."

"That may or may not result in our deaths," Sir Lexaeus noted, watching in dry amusement as Sir Axel leaned over and whispered something in Prince Roxas' ear. The blond turned a faint shade of pink as Sir Axel laughed and took off from the gates. Prince Roxas let out a yell of annoyance before galloping off after them. He turned to the three remaining riders, and raised an eyebrow. "Do you know your destination?"

"It's not the destination that matters…"

"I swear, Sora, if you finish that sentence, I will make you watch _Showgirls _for twenty-four hours straight," Sir Riku said, raising an eyebrow.

Prince Sora wisely shut up.

Princess Kairi snorted in a very unprincess-like way. "Boys," she said dismissively, turning her horse and riding from the gate. The two young men shared grieved looks before following their fellow knight - with her female wiles and everything - out from the gate, leaving Sir Lexaeus to stand and watch their retreating figures from the gate.

He supposed he should say or think something morally intuitive at the moment as he watched the three of them ride off into the sunset. But he couldn't really think of anything appropriate…except that maybe…with the group of hormone-driven people who had just ridden out of the gates, a happy ending seemed anything _but _possible.

However…the shouts of the three riders as Prince Sora yelled something about "using protection" only made Sir Lexaeus roll his eyes.

Screw it.

Happily-ever-afters were for fairy tales.

And even though this was not quite a fairy tale, it was pretty damn close.

oOo **The End **oOo

**Author's Note: (24 Mar 08):** Okay, I know I'm a dork for that ending

I am partying five kinds of ways til dawn - one of my stories is DONE. Oh, and that sounds so wonderful to say. My mind isn't even grasping it.

But, yeah. A word about the pairings in this story: as mentioned by Naminé at the very end, there are some crazy shipping wars going on in the random KH blogs and forums, all which I find very hilarious. Honestly, I'll read any sort of pairing, canon or otherwise, if its well-written (though somebody needs to make that Zexion/Carpet fic that was mentioned as an example - I will love you to pieces and give you five thousand pounds of digital Easter candy).

So, the pairings in this fic are both extremely popular and somewhat disturbing. I'm just saying I don't have favorites, I just write whatever I think works for my stories.

What else?

Kairi's feminist revolt was more of a personal "I'm-not-going-to-be-a-damsel" revelation. There should have been bra-burning (thanks, _Shrek_, for the mental images…).

Oh, I apologize for any fairy tales abused and mistreated during this story. I only make fun of things that I like. Except for _The Hills_. I'll never understand the appeal of that show…though a KH parody on that would be interesting…

Oh…crap. That's a plot bunny.

Shoot.

Well, I'm done. It's late, and I'm tired, and I gotta march off to work tomorrow. So thanks for the lovely reviews and faves and hits. You guys win at fairy tale life.

- Nashie


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